Sweetest Sin
by Jules.btvsfan
Summary: [COMPLETED] Takes place after Something Blue. Buffy agrees with Giles to take care of Spike and keep him in her dorm. But what happens when she starts falling for him? My first fic : Spuffy
1. Aftermath

**Chapter One  
Aftermath**  
  
Suddenly everything came into focus and Buffy realized she was kissing someone. They broke apart, and Buffy found herself staring into the icy blue eyes of none other than Spike. She continued staring at him for a moment. The memories and moments started flooding back. She remembered sitting in Spike's lap, planning the wedding. She remembered arguing with him, yet always ending up with lots of kissage. Then a disgusted look came over her face as well as Spike's.  
  
"Bloody hell!" she heard Spike say, struggling to free himself of her.  
  
"Ugh! Spike lips! Lips of Spike!" cried Buffy, getting off of him and spitting on the floor.  
  
They all turned to look at Willow, who was looking very guilty. "Hi guys," she said lightly.

* * *

"Eat a cookie, ease my pain?" said Willow very pleadingly. She handed a tray of cookies before Buffy.  
  
Buffy took one of the chocolate chip cookies and bit into it. "Mmm. Better."  
  
Willow shrugged. "Well, baking lifts about 30% of my guilt. But only 7% of my inner turmoil. Guess that'll just take a while."  
  
Spike, who was tied up in a chair, raised an eyebrow. "How cheesy is she?" he thought ironically.  
  
"It'll happen," Buffy said, giving her a sympathetic look.  
  
"Don't I get a cookie?" Spike spoke up.  
  
"No," Buffy immediately replied, still horrified at the thought of her and Spike getting married.  
  
"Well I gotta have something. Still have Buffy taste in my mouth."  
  
"You're a pig, Spike."  
  
Spike looked at her smugly. "Yeah," he said. "Well, I'm not the one who wanted Wind Beneath My Wings for the first dance," he added loudly. Giles, Anya, and Xander all looked towards Buffy.  
  
Embarrassed, she placed her cookie down and got up from her seat. "That was the spell," she said quietly and walked away.  
  
Willow stuffed a cookie in Spike's mouth and he bit gingerly into it, looking very annoyed.  
  
"Did I mention about the sorry part?" Willow asked, looking very guilty again.  
  
"We may be into a forgetting spell later," sighed Buffy. "I loved him," she said, looking disgusted. "We were betrothed."  
  
"Well, at least you were getting along," Willow replied, trying to make things seem better.  
  
"But we weren't. It wasn't even nice. And the bad boy thing? Over it. Okay? I totally get it. I'd be really happy to be in a nice relationship with a decent reliable... Oh my God! Riley thinks I'm engaged."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Riley!" Buffy cried. "He saw me. What the hell am I gonna say to him?"

* * *

"Well the thing is," Buffy said while walking to class with Riley, "Last night when you saw me—"  
  
"You don't have to explain it again. I get it," Riley interrupted before she could finish. "You're getting married to a old guy named Spike."  
  
"No. You see, I'm not really—" Buffy stopped in her tracks. "Wait! Spike isn't old like old-guy old. Well, he's old. But not the way you're thinking of it."  
  
Riley sighed. "It doesn't matter, Buffy. It's just that I thought..." he paused and took a deep breath. "Look, I don't know what I was thinking. Just forget it." He started walking again.  
  
"Wait, I haven't gotten a chance to explain myself yet." Buffy said frantically. "I'm not actually—"  
  
"You really don't have to explain. It's not like I know you all that well anyway. I mean, if you want to get married, then that's fine. It's not like I'm opposed to it or anything. I just thought that..."  
  
"You thought what?" Buffy asked. She stood in front of him, preventing him from walking further.  
  
Riley sighed again. "Okay, this might sound stupid. But I thought we actually, you know, had a chance."  
  
Buffy gazed at him and her whole face brightened up. "That's not stupid. You really thought that?" she asked softly.  
  
"It doesn't matter anymore, does it?" Riley said, looking very upset. "You're getting married."  
  
"Oh yeah," Buffy laughed. "About that—"  
  
"Buffy I don't want to talk about it right now," he said, not meeting her eyes. "I hope you and this Spike person will be very happy together."  
  
Before Buffy could say anything else, he left her standing alone under the warm sunlight. Suddenly the warmth wasn't so comforting anymore. She felt like everything around her was starting to fall apart. Maybe she would never find the perfect guy for her. Maybe being the Slayer meant not being able to have a boyfriend. Angel and her could never be together because of the whole losing soul thing. Parker totally blew her off after sleeping with her. And now her relationship with Riley was ruined.

* * *

Buffy stormed in Giles's apartment. Frustrated, she threw her backpack on the floor and looked around for Giles. Spike was rummaging around the refrigerator. She immediately made her way to the bleached blonde vamp and punched him right in the face.  
  
"Ow!" Spike turned around and instinctively punched her back. "Ow!" he yelled again, slapping his hand against his forehead. "What was that for, Slayer?"  
  
"Where's Giles?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Right here." Giles walked in the room. He was wiping his glasses with a tissue. "Are you all right, Buffy?" He put on his glasses and set the tissue aside.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine," she sighed. "I think."  
  
"Um, Buffy," Giles said, sitting down on the couch. "Not that I don't appreciate you visiting, but what are you doing here?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know. I thought some kind of demon would be attacking sooner or later. Any sightings so far?"  
  
"Well—"  
  
Suddenly the door opened and in came Xander and Anya.  
  
"We're here," announced Xander loudly.  
  
"Right, I noticed that," Giles replied. "Have a seat."  
  
"Wait... if you didn't need me then what are they doing here?" asked Buffy, feeling very confused.  
  
"Well, someone is going to be staying with me for a few weeks. And I kind of want us to be alone," Giles explained. "And that means I'd like Xander to take Spike during that time."  
  
"What?" both Xander and Spike exclaimed. Spike, who had been in the kitchen drinking blood, walked over to the living room.  
  
"Wait, I'm going to have him in my basement for three weeks?" Xander shuddered at the thought.  
  
"I didn't say three. I said a few."  
  
"Which is practically like three!" Xander yelled.  
  
"Why can't I stay here?" complained Spike. "I'm not staying in that sodding basement! I like it here. I get fresh blood and I've gotten to the point where I don't have to be tied up. Why can't I stay here?" he asked again.  
  
"I told you," Giles answered. "I'm having a friend over."  
  
"Ooh," Anya said. "You mean like an orgasm friend."  
  
Everyone stared at her, horrified. "Yes, that is the most awful thing you could possibly say right now," Giles said, taking off his glasses and cleaning them again.  
  
Buffy interrupted the quiet, "That was disturbing."  
  
"Back to what we were talking about before," Xander said, happy to change the subject. "I am not having Dead Boy Jr. sleeping in the same room as me."  
  
"It doesn't matter. He's completely harmless anyway," Giles said.  
  
"Hey!" Spike yelled.  
  
"Well, it's true."  
  
"But Xander," whined Anya. "If he's there all the time, that means we can't have sex and play all those fun games."  
  
Spike looked repulsed. "I am not staying there watching you two shag every bloody day of the week."  
  
"Well you're going to have to," Giles sighed. "Because I—"  
  
"Oh right!" Spike exclaimed, turning around to face Giles. "There's just shagging everywhere I go, isn't there?"  
  
"Wait so your priorities are put before mine?" Xander snapped at Giles. "You get to have sex but I don't?"  
  
"Hold on! She's not staying over so that we can have—"  
  
"Well there you go. It's a she." interrupted Xander.  
  
"Well I'm not keeping him here," Giles said.  
  
"And I'm not keeping him at my place either!" Xander yelled back.  
  
"STOP IT!" screamed Buffy.  
  
Just then the door to Giles's apartment opened and in came Willow. She looked at the gathering and raised her eyebrows. "Wow... party at Giles's."  
  
"We were just discussing on where Spike should stay," Giles sighed.  
  
"Giles is having a friend over," Anya said. "He wants Spike out of the way so that they can have lots of sex."  
  
Willow's eyebrows rose again. "Um... okay."  
  
"He is NOT staying in my basement. It's already dark and dank as it is," said Xander.  
  
"Well he bloody well isn't staying here!" Giles said.  
  
"Okay, okay. Well, why don't we take him, Buffy?" Willow suggested.  
  
"Are you kidding me?" Buffy exclaimed, staring at Willow as if she were crazy.  
  
"Oh right. I'll have Red put another spell on us so that we can actually get married this time," Spike muttered.  
  
"Shut up!" Buffy snapped at him.  
  
"Well, I mean we can experiment spells on him," Willow said. "Like that truth spell we never got to do."  
  
"Hey!" Spike yelled. "Oh all right. I changed my mind. I'd rather stay in that smelly basement of yours," he said, glancing at Xander.  
  
"What are you talking about? It doesn't stink!" Xander said defensively. "Well yeah. It does have that... but how would you know? You've never been there."  
  
"Oh come on. I have a whole bunch of spells I want to test. All I need is a testie," said Willow.  
  
"Willow, I'm not sure you should get so deep in with this magic," Giles warned. "Using witchcraft can be very helpful and useful, but too much of it can be dangerous. I don't think you should be devoting so much time—"  
  
"I'm doing fine with it! I thought you were supportive of me doing magic. It's not like anything really bad has happened."  
  
Buffy and Spike looked at each other. "I don't know, Willow. There are times where your spells go wrong. I mean, Riley's already not speaking to me anymore. He still thinks that Spike and I are... you know. Engaged."  
  
Willow sighed. "I'm sorry, Buffy. I really didn't mean—"  
  
"It's okay," Buffy said. "I'm over it. Almost. Not really. But I'll get over it."  
  
"Actually that's not a bad idea." Giles folded his arm and looked thoughtful. "We never had a chance to do the truth spell. It would be helpful."  
  
"Well hey. As long as he doesn't stay with me," Xander said.  
  
"Are you all insane?" cried Buffy. "I am not having him in my dorm! For one thing there's almost no space. It's sunny most of the time anyway. And I don't want him there while I sleep! It'll be awkward and... creepy."  
  
"We can tie him up in the closet," Willow said lightly.  
  
"You know what?" Buffy said, laughing. "That would be funny."  
  
"I give up," sighed Spike, landing on the couch. He took his cup of blood from the table and drank out of it.  
  
"Please Buffy. It'll only be a couple of weeks," Giles said.  
  
"Fine!" Buffy sighed. "But you owe me big."  
  
"Buffy it's getting late. I think we'd better get back," Willow said. "Oh before I forget. The reason I came here in the first place was to borrow a book. So we should um, get to the borrowing, then?" She and Giles went over to the bookshelf to talk.  
  
Buffy looked down at Spike. Just a few days ago they were on the same couch making out. She blushed at the thought. She still remembered his lips on hers and his cool arms wrapped around her body.  
  
She tried shaking the thoughts out of her head. "No," she thought. "I am NOT getting lusty for Spike. Eww. That's horrible to even think about."  
  
"Got it," Willow said, holding up a book. She smiled at Buffy and then gave Spike a weird look. "Are we taking him or what?"  
  
"Sure," Buffy replied and then sighed. "I can't believe I agreed to this. I can't believe we're having him in our dorm." 


	2. Temptation

**Chapter Two   
Temptation**  
  
"Nice room, Slayer," Spike commented, jumping and landing on Buffy's bed. "I don't hate it. Just don't know what to do when the bloody sun comes out."  
  
"Get off," Buffy demanded. "This room isn't big enough for the three of us."  
  
Spike smirked. "Oh really? What, we'll have to share the bed or something?"  
  
Buffy glared at him. "The last thing I would do is sleep in the same bed with an evil, dirty thing like you." She dropped her stuff by her bed and then sat on Willow's, trying to ignore him.  
  
"You didn't think that when we were snogging in Giles's apartment. You were all set on having a good, hot, heartfelt shag with little evil me."  
  
Buffy immediately turned and stared at him. "I was not!" she said quietly.  
  
"Oh yeah, is that why you were so excited about me making sweet love to you on our honeymoon?"  
  
She propped herself up against the back of the bed and stretched her legs out in front of her. "No."  
  
Spike slowly pushed himself off the bed. "Is that so, Slayer?" He walked towards her, dropping his leather coat to the ground. She stared up at him as he stood and ran a hand down her arm. Shivers ran down her back. "Then what would you do if I did this?" he asked softly. He lifted himself above her, placing his hands on the bed. His legs straddled hers. Buffy didn't object, and she started slipping under him. A hand grabbed onto his back and—  
  
The door suddenly swung open. Buffy and Spike tumbled onto the ground and stared up at Willow, who had just come in.  
  
"Hey guys," she said. She threw them both a funny look. "Um what are you doing down there?" she asked.  
  
"Fighting," Buffy immediately replied, getting up and dusting herself off. "We got into a fight."  
  
"Yeah, really felt that one," Spike said, smirking again.  
  
"Where were you?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Chem lab," Willow said quickly, trying to hide the fact that she was with Tara. "I-I was trying some spells."  
  
Buffy nodded. "Right." She glanced at Spike. "Um, so what should we do with um..."  
  
"Spike?" Willow finished for her.  
  
"Yeah," replied Buffy. "Where should we put him?"  
  
Spike shook his head and walked towards the refrigerator. "Got any blood?"  
  
"Well, where did you put him while I was gone?" asked Willow.  
  
"On the bed," Buffy replied before she could catch herself. "I mean... he was sitting on my bed." She paused. "I wasn't there, of course. I was on your bed."  
  
"Okay," Willow said, giving her a weird look.  
  
"I need blood," announced Spike. "You," he pointed towards Willow. "Go out and get me some."  
  
"That's a great idea!" Buffy said loudly. "I'll come with."  
  
"But someone needs to watch Spike," Willow said.  
  
"You know what I don't get? Why do we even keep him alive? Wouldn't everything be easier if we just dusted him off?" asked Buffy, irritated that Spike and her had gotten just the tiniest bit physical.  
  
"I don't know. I kind of like him around," Willow said, smiling at him.  
  
"Ew!" Buffy said, staring at her.  
  
"I mean, I just feel sorry for him. He can't hurt anyone anymore. And he must be lonely."  
  
"Bloody right I'm lonely," Spike said, walking up to them. "Lonely without blood."  
  
"All right, all right," Willow sighed. "I'll get some blood from the butcher's shop. I'll be back in half an hour or so," she said, walking out of the room and closing the door behind her before Buffy could say anything.  
  
"So. Slayer. What was that?"  
  
"What was what?" Buffy asked innocently.  
  
"I can feel it, Slayer. You want me. I can smell it."  
  
"Can I say disgusting?" Buffy sighed and walked over to her closet. She was looking for something to tie him up with when she felt his cool hands slip around her. "God what are you doing?" she abruptly turned around.  
  
He grabbed her shoulders. "You didn't hate it."  
  
"Hate what?"  
  
Spike chuckled in her ear. "What are you just going to forget about it?"  
  
"What? That little move you made on me?" Buffy said angrily. "Yes, I am. I'm completely disgusted with myself, and I hope something like that never happens again."  
  
"Well that's just too bad," Spike said, pouting.  
  
Buffy stared at his lips before breathing in deep. "Get away from me, Spike."  
  
"Make me."  
  
Breathing seemed to be getting harder. She felt one of his hands running down her side. "Stop it," she said, barely above a whisper.  
  
"You're the bloody Slayer. Make me stop it," he whispered back.  
  
Buffy gazed into his light blue eyes. Before he could say anything else, her lips smashed into his. Her arms wrapped around his neck. Placing his hands on her waist, he pushed her onto the floor with a thud. Spike landed on top of her and his kisses traveled down her neck. She gasped and her eyes opened. "Spike," she said in between breaths. "Willow will be back in a few minutes."  
  
"She said thirty," Spike said, lifting his head up to look at her. "We can squeeze in one at least."  
  
Buffy groaned. She tried pushing him off of her. "Get off!" she snapped.  
  
"Come on Buffy..." Spike said, still on top of her. She tried throwing him off, but he wouldn't budge.  
  
"Doesn't that stupid chip activate?" Buffy muttered. She finally kicked him off of her, and he landed on the bed.  
  
"Only when I mean to hurt you, babe."  
  
"Oh shut up. What's wrong with you anyway? We hate each other, remember?" she exclaimed. She ran a hand through her blonde hair and sighed. "Okay. I'm just going to pretend that nothing ever happened." She took in a deep breath and strolled into the kitchen. "Spike and I weren't doing anything. We were just rolling on the ground and... kissing and..." she stopped. "Okay. Stop.'  
  
"Hard time forgetting, huh, pet?" Spike said laughing. "Well I'll leave you to your thoughts. Got any smokes?"  
  
Buffy turned around and glared at him. "Ew... no."  
  
"Beer? Hot wings? Anything?"  
  
She sighed. "No. Stop talking to me." Her eyes landed on his muscular, clothed chest. If only she would just walk over and place her hands on that cold body and... she blinked and snapped back to reality.  
  
"Oh Slayer, Slayer... after Soul Boy left you, I thought that would teach you not to play with vampires," Spike laughed, propping himself up on the bed with his elbows. An evil grin played on his lips. Buffy glared at him and started walking over while he continued, "You know, you really should—"  
  
Buffy placed her index finger on his chest. "I swear," she said furiously. "If you tell anybody about what happened... I will kill you."  
  
Spike just grinned. "Whatever you say, pet." He took his hand, grabbed her from behind, and pulled her closer to him. She swallowed hard and stared into his icy blue eyes.  
  
"This has got to be some kind of residual thing from that spell," she whispered. "I'm not supposed to be feeling this way. And neither are you. You're just... lusty. That's all." Her lips were barely brushing his. "And I'm just kind of..." Their lips met and Spike laid back down gently with Buffy on top of him. Slowly she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her body slid down beside him, her lips never leaving his. "Mmm," Buffy sighed into his mouth. "Spike."  
  
"Red's not coming back for a while," Spike murmured. "If she was I'd be able to smell her."  
  
"You vampires and that whole smelling thing," Buffy giggled, burying her head in his chest.  
  
Spike sat up and furrowed his brow. "Speaking of scent... there's someone at your door."  
  
"How do you know these things?" Buffy sighed. Whoever it was then knocked on her door. She crossed her arms and looked at Spike.  
  
"What?"  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows.  
  
"What?"  
  
She sighed. "Never mind. I just don't want anyone to get any wrong impressions." She opened the door and there was Riley standing in front of her.  
  
"Hey Buffy," he greeted her. "I just wanted to come over and apologize for the other day. I was just a little..." he looked over and saw Spike on the bed, "upset." Riley focused his attention at the blonde-headed vamp. "Who's that?" he asked, pointing towards Spike.  
  
"Oh," Buffy said lightly. "Um, this is Spike."  
  
"Spike? Your fiancé Spike?" Riley exclaimed. "Buffy that's..." he stopped. He couldn't tell her about vampires or his work or anything. "A criminal," he finished.  
  
"A criminal," Buffy repeated.  
  
"He's... he's killed people," Riley continued.  
  
"Bloody right I have," Spike muttered under his breath.  
  
"Wait a sec," Buffy said, confused. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"There's a lot of things I can't tell you," Riley said. "But trust me on this. He's not a good person. In fact he's not even a... he's not what you think he is."  
  
"How do you know him?" Buffy asked slowly.  
  
"I... there's just a lot of things—"  
  
"How do you know him?" Buffy said again.  
  
"You seem somewhat familiar," Spike said. "You're not one of those soldier boys, are you?"  
  
"You're one of the commandos?" Buffy exclaimed.  
  
"What? Commandos? No. I'm..."  
  
"I don't believe this!" Buffy fixed an angry gaze on him. "You've been lying to me all this time?"  
  
"Wait a second... how do you know about us?"  
  
"So you are one of them," Buffy said.  
  
They stared at each other for a long time. "I think we need to talk," Riley said softly.  
  
"I think we do."  
  
Both of them turned to look at Spike, who snorted. "Whatever." He grabbed his jacket, which was still lying on the ground. "You all can sort it out. Do what you need to do. I'll be around. Hunting." Spike laughed. "Oh right. Thanks to you wankers, I can't kill."  
  
"Just go," Buffy snapped.  
  
Giving her an angry look, Spike pulled on his jacket and then walked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.  
  
As soon as Spike was gone, Riley spoke up, "Buffy. I just want to protect you. I don't want to hurt you. And please trust me when I say this." He took in a deep breath. "Spike isn't human."  
  
She stared at him for a while and then burst out laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"It's just that... I know. Spike's a vampire. And we're not actually—"  
  
"How did you know he's a vampire?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "I guess I'll just have to come clean," she said. "I'm the Slayer."  
  
Riley gave her a blank look.  
  
"Slayer? Chosen One? She who hangs out in cemeteries?"  
  
Still no response.  
  
"Well I thought a professional demon hunter like yourself would've heard of me by now," Buffy said, sitting on her bed.  
  
"I know who you are," Riley replied. He sat on the other bed and faced her. "You're supposed have all this supernatural strength. You're the chosen one. Chosen to fight evil and vampires. You're the vampire slayer."  
  
"So you have heard of me."  
  
Riley shook his head. "I have," he said. "But you're not supposed to real. I thought you were a myth."  
  
"Oh." Buffy looked down at her feet. "Right. I'm mythy girl." She inhaled. "So you know who I am. It's your turn to tell me who you are."  
  
Riley shook his head. "You know who I am. The rest, what I do... I can't tell you."  
  
"Well then let me." She stood up and paced around. "You're part of some military monster squad that captures demons, vampires. Probably have some official-sounding euphemisms for them. Like... unfriendlies or non-sapiens."  
  
"Hostile subterrestrials."  
  
"So you deliver these..." Buffy paused, "HSTs to a bunch of lab coats who perform experiments on them, which, among other things turns some into harmless little bunnies. How am I doing so far?"  
  
"A little too well," Riley replied, a bit suspicious.  
  
"Meanwhile by day, you pretend to be Riley Finn. Corn-fed Iowa boy. Ever been to Iowa, Riley? God if that's even your name."  
  
"It is. Born and raised." Riley sighed. "I know this whole Initiative thing is—"  
  
"Oh is that what it's called?"  
  
Riley slapped a hand on his forehead. "You weren't supposed to know that."  
  
"Or maybe I should. We were getting somewhere, weren't we? We had the picnic thing going on. You could've told me."  
  
He sighed again. "I'm not the only one who's been a little less than honest here. I mean. If you're the Slayer, I'd think you'd know better. Why are you marrying a vampire?"  
  
"Oh. That." Buffy said, a strained look on her face. "Riley, we're not getting married."  
  
"Uh huh. Is that why you've got that nice little ring you showed me the other night. Oh and whole sleeping together thing really explains it."  
  
"What? Oh gross!" Buffy shook her head. "I'm not sleeping with him." She thought of how the whole night she had been kissing Spike. "I'm not sleeping with him," she repeated. "We're kind of holding him hostage."  
  
"I see," Riley said slowly. "So you've gotten to know each other, and you're getting married."  
  
"No!" Buffy took a deep breath and then sighed. "That night when you saw me, I was under a spell that caused us to get married. Well, almost get married. But we're no longer engaged. I promise," she said sincerely.  
  
"A spell," Riley said uncertainly. "Didn't think those existed."  
  
"What? You hunt down demons, but you don't believe in spells?"  
  
Riley looked hesitant for a moment. Then he sighed. "Okay. I believe you."  
  
Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God. I've been trying to tell you since, well, we weren't engaged anymore."  
  
Riley smiled. He took a hand and pushed some blonde hair behind her ear. She locked gazes with him and found herself leaning her face towards his. They both closed their eyes and just as they were about to kiss, the door opened and in came Willow. She had a bag of groceries in her arms.  
  
"I'm back," she announced. She closed the door behind her with her leg. Buffy and Riley immediately stepped apart. "Hey Riley," she said, setting the bag down on a table. "It's late. What are you doing here?"  
  
Riley cleared his throat. "Just visiting. And leaving now. Um, I'll see you later?" he looked at Buffy, who nodded.  
  
"Yeah. See you," she replied softly.  
  
Willow stepped over to Buffy and gave her a smile. "So... what was that about?"  
  
"What was what about?"  
  
"Oh don't play all 'I-was-with-a-guy-and-nothing-happened' with me," Willow said, still smiling. "Come on. Spill. What happened with Riley?"  
  
"We talked," Buffy said, also smiling a little. "And I found out that he's one of the Commandos."  
  
"Wow," Willow said, a surprised look on her face. "Commando, huh?" She shook her jacket off and sat down on her bed. "And did you say anything about being the Slayer?"  
  
"Yeah I kind of let that slip out."  
  
"Oh," Willow said.  
  
"Is that a good 'oh' or a bad 'oh'?" Buffy asked.  
  
"It's kind of an I-don't-know oh." Willow shrugged. "It's just kind of overwhelming. Riley doing the covert military stuff. Never would've guessed. He seems all normal and regulary."  
  
"Should we tell Giles?" Buffy sat down beside Willow.  
  
"Don't know," Willow replied. "He's probably not all that eager on us walking in on him and Olivia um... okay." Willow frowned. "Not with the bad imaging. Let's just forget telling Giles for now."  
  
"I'm liking that idea," Buffy said, trying hard not to picture anything terribly icky.  
  
Willow looked around. "Hey," she said. "Where's Spike?"  
  
"Spike?" Buffy put a hand on her forehead and sighed. "Great. We've lost Spike."  
  
"I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later. He can't really live without the blood. Well, he can't really live at all. He's dead... well, living dead. You know, being all vampire and... yeah." Willow stopped herself. "Maybe you should find him."  
  
Buffy walked over the door and got her denim jacket off the hook. "I'll go get him. He'll probably be hanging around in a cemetery or something." She pulled her hair into a ponytail. "In the meanwhile, I should just patrol. Stake a few vamps. See you later." 


	3. Together

**Chapter Three  
Together**  
  
Buffy strolled along on the grass of the cemetery, wooden stake in hand. The real point of this was to patrol, she had decided, and maybe by chance run into Spike. In fact, she was hoping she wouldn't have to run into the vampire. She wasn't exactly in the mood for another round of him trying to seduce her. And she really wasn't up for more Spike's lips on hers. It was wrong. She really had no idea why each time his hands were on her, she would give in and let him kiss her or touch her. Besides, it would be really bad if she brought him back to the dorm and he started doing those things again. She shook her head. It wasn't going to happen again. She would make sure of it.  
  
She continued walking until a vampire attacked her. She fell to the ground and struggled to push the vamp off. It punched her in the face, and she punched back. She leapt back onto her feet and threw up her fists.  
  
"Thanks," Buffy said, gasping for air. "I needed that."  
  
She kicked him in the stomach and sent him flying into a tombstone. She ran up and punched him several times in the face. "You" – she punched him in the nose – "stupid" – punch – "vampires" – punch – "are" – punch – "always" – punch – "so" – the vampire growled and kicked her off of him. He placed his hands on her shoulders as Buffy tried getting her stake to his heart. She finally stuck it in him. His eyes widened.  
  
"Oops, missed the heart," Buffy said, laughing just a little. She pulled out the stake and then rammed it into the heart. The vamp exploded into dust. "There we go," Buffy said. She got off and dusted off her clothes.  
  
"Slayer on the prowl, huh?" a voice she really didn't want to hear said.  
  
"Spike." She turned around and saw the bleached bloodsucker, well former bloodsucker, smoking a cigarette.  
  
"Where'd you get that?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Nicked it."  
  
"Uh huh. Well you're not going in the dorm with it."  
  
Suddenly another vamp came flying out of nowhere and threw Spike on the ground.  
  
"You might not be going in the dorm," Buffy said, staring at the two wrestling on the ground.  
  
"Yeah if I didn't have this damn chip in my head."  
  
"Why do I even bother?" Buffy threw her hands up in the air. She ran over to Spike, but before she could pull the other vamp off of him, Spike threw a punch at the vampire. Spike glanced at the vampire, feeling confused and extremely surprised at the same time.  
  
"It doesn't hurt," Spike said softly. He kicked the vampire off and Buffy staked it. He stared at Buffy and stood up. "I can hurt a demon!"  
  
"I'm very happy for you," Buffy said, rolling her eyes. "Come on, it's late. We'd better get home."  
  
"Home? Already?" Spike said, looking at her as if she were sprouting lumpies and fangs. "Come on, let's go annihilate some more vampires!"  
  
"You want to fight your own kind now?"  
  
"Well since I can't harm humans, might as well get my kicks off fighting vampires. Or..." He gave Buffy a grin. "We could always you know..."  
  
"Spike!" Buffy interrupted. "Get over it! It was a couple of kisses and some gropy, touchy..."  
  
Spike answered this with a smirk.  
  
"It was nothing," Buffy said quickly.  
  
"Sure it was. Oh! Vamp behind you." He ran past her and strangled the vampire. He punched the vamp's face several times until it got bloody and bruised.  
  
"Spike! Just kill him already!" She tossed him a stake and Spike staked it hard in the heart.  
  
"Can we go home now?" Buffy said exasperatedly. "I have better things to do than waste my time watching over you."  
  
"Well you got no choice, love." Spike walked on over beside her. "You're stuck with me. But hey, as long as I'm here, I'm sure we could—"  
  
"God Spike!" Buffy yelled, abruptly turning around so that Spike nearly knocked into her. "Will you stop talking about that? It was just you and me under a spell. And then a little left over lustiness. But it's over. Yet it seems to take forever to get that through your bleached head." She held a fist up and punched him in the face. "And if you bring it up one more time," she kicked him in the stomach, "I'll put a stake right through your dead heart."  
  
Spike grabbed her by the waist. "I'd like to see you try," he whispered in her ear.  
  
"Get the hell away from me," Buffy said through gritted teeth.  
  
"Come on, Slayer." He pulled her closer to him so that there was no space between them.  
  
"Get away from me," Buffy said. She pushed him on the ground. "I'm not kidding, Spike. If you try to kiss me, touch me, or look at me one more time, you'll be explody vampire-y dust." She turned around and started walking back towards Stevenson Hall.  
  
Spike let out a sigh. He drew in a deep breath. True, he couldn't breathe. But sometimes it seemed as if just pretending to breathe made him feel more alive. Well, as alive as he could be anyway. Why was he having this strange guilt down deep in his gut? He didn't have a soul. He didn't even have a heart. Like Buffy said, his heart was dead. Literally. It wasn't even beating.  
  
But something was there. He could feel it. There was something inside. It was different from anything he had ever felt before. It was painful and soothing at the same time. And all of a sudden it felt like all he wanted to do was be with Buffy even though she kept on pushing him away each time they got close. It was desire and longing, but it was also something deeper than that. He couldn't explain it, but he actually cared about her.  
  
Buffy opened the door to her dorm. She looked at Willow's well-made bed and wondered where Willow had gone. It was late, and Willow usually would be sleeping or studying or something. She dropped her slaying stuff in the closet and then took off her jacket. Looking around the empty room, she let out a small sigh. Lately she had just been feeling really lonely. Buffy buried her face into her hands and tried hard not to cry. Everything just seemed so hard. Ever since Angel and Parker and now the slight rockiness with Riley... it just seemed as if there was nobody she belonged with. Maybe she would just have to be lonely Buffy here on out.  
  
The door creaked open. Buffy looked up and said in a hopeful voice, "Willow?"  
  
In stepped Spike with his long leather coat and piercing blue eyes. She groaned and buried her face in her hands once more. "Why won't you stop following me around?" she said, but it came out muffled. "You're nothing to me. Just a soulless, dirty, evil thing that I won't hesitate to kill."  
  
Spike clenched his fists. Then she slowly lifted her head, and he saw her tear-stained face. The expression on his face changed from anger to a soft, genuine concern. He walked over and sat down next to her.  
  
"Buffy," he said softly.  
  
She sniffled and gazed at him. Everything felt so tangled and screwed up inside. She unexpectedly found herself laying her head on Spike's shoulder for comfort.  
  
"I hate you," Buffy whispered.  
  
"You don't think I hate you?"  
  
"Well I'm just feeling really miserable. And there's nobody to talk to. Ergo the head on shoulder thing." She wiped her tears and then lifted her head up to look at him. "Why am I doing this?" A look of disgust filled her face. "Why are you doing this?"  
  
Spike shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing else to do. Bloody chip in my head. Never thought I'd be giving cold comfort to the Slayer though. Must be a bit of something from that spell."  
  
"Right. Must be that," Buffy said softly. There was no way she had any kind of feelings for Spike. Not even the teeniest, tiniest bit of affection. She was just... lonely and a little depressed. She was just using him. After all, there was no way she could love something like Spike. He had killed so many, destroyed so much, and attempted to kill her more than a lot of times.  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Why was she feeling this way? And why was Spike being like this? He was a murderer. A dark creature of the night. A vampire. Well, she always felt like Spike had this weird fixation on her. But she figured it was just because she was the Slayer, and Spike had always been obsessed with killing the Slayer. Or could it be that he actually... no. That couldn't be it. She was just thinking too much.  
  
Buffy slowly reached for his face and pushed him down onto the bed. "Slayer," whispered Spike. Their mouths collided and kisses ensued.  
  
"Mmm... Spike," Buffy whispered in between kisses.  
  
Spike grinned. He held her up so that she had to pull away from the kiss. She opened her eyes in discontent and pouted down at him. "Thought I was going to explode into vampire-y dust," he said, mimicking Buffy's earlier words.  
  
"I changed my mind," she said softly and bent down to kiss him again.  
  
She didn't know why or how, but she found herself wanting Spike's touch. It felt real enough, more real than anything she had so far. Yet at the same time it seemed so wrong and it was something she would deeply regret later. Still, she wanted it. Soon everything started sliding off, and for once, it felt like true passion to both of them. 


	4. Breathe a Word

**Chapter Four  
Breathe a Word**  
  
The bright morning sun poured into the room. Buffy let out a little whimper and then rolled on her side. She pulled the covers closer to her, and she heard somebody groan beside her.  
  
"AHHH! Damn it! I'm starting to sizzle!" yelled the English voice. Buffy let out a small sigh and a smile formed on her lips. She only remembered the voice too well. Whispering in her ear last night when they were...  
  
Buffy sat straight up. Suddenly everything about the night before came rushing back. She gazed at Spike, feeling ashamed and embarrassed and amazed at the same time. Then she realized Spike was starting to burn. He had jumped out of the bed and was trying covering himself from the sun with the blanket, but Buffy was pulling too tightly on it.  
  
"Bloody hell, Slayer!" cried Spike, who was now on the floor, trying to hide in the shade. "I'm smoking here!"  
  
Buffy blushed. "Wait. Hold on." She disappeared under the covers. After much rummaging around, she finally came back up with bra and underwear. She quickly slipped them on before throwing Spike the covers.  
  
"Did it have to take such a bleeding long minute?"  
  
"Oh my God," Buffy muttered, looking over at Willow's bed and quickly forgetting Spike's sunlight issue. "Did she... oh my God." She quickly got up, throwing Spike his clothes and his leather jacket. "I can't believe this," Buffy said quietly to herself, even though Spike heard every word. "What was I thinking?" She opened her closet door and started looking for an outfit to wear. She quickly threw out a red halter and some blue jeans and then started putting them on.  
  
Now that he was well hidden from the sun, Spike had his usual smirk on again. "Poor Slayer. Can't admit that vampires get her hot. Captain Boring isn't exactly working out for you. Is he, Sweet Slayer?"  
  
"Shut up," hissed Buffy. She quickly ran over to the window and yanked down the shades.  
  
"Ooh, did I touch a nerve?"  
  
Buffy glared at him. "Put on your clothes. You can get up now. The sun's blocked. Look, I don't know where Willow is, but if she comes back and sees us—"  
  
"It's fine, love," Spike said, pulling on his pants and standing up. "Her bed's still made. Figure the witch's been out all night. Can't smell her either." He glanced at the Slayer, who was now fully dressed. "Well you seem quick to end things. Can't even stay for a quick—"  
  
"No," Buffy interrupted. "I'm not doing anything with you ever again. Last night was just... that was just for comfort."  
  
Spike shook his head. Buffy couldn't help looking at his bare chest as he made his way over to her. "You can't keep that excuse forever," he whispered in her ear and wrapping his arms around her neck.  
  
"Don't," she said weakly.  
  
Spike ran his lips across hers, making Buffy want him all over again. Just then the door slowly creaked open. Buffy slapped Spike, pushed him to the floor, and threw the covers over him.  
  
"Willow?" Buffy walked over to the door, and saw her redheaded friend smiling sheepishly back at her. Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. "You're okay. Were you out all night?"  
  
"It's Red, right?" said a muffled Spike.  
  
"Yes it is," Buffy snapped. "You can get out."  
  
"I'm so sorry," Willow said, looking truly apologetic. She closed the door behind her. "I didn't mean to stay out all night. I kind of got carried away with doing spells and stuff," she explained.  
  
"Were you alone all night?"  
  
"Um... yeah," Willow replied.  
  
"Well at least you're okay," Buffy said.  
  
"Why is he half naked?" Willow asked, gesturing towards Spike.  
  
"He was hot." Buffy replied.  
  
"Damn right I was," he laughed.  
  
"As in the temperature was really high, so he took off his um... shirt to cool off a little." That did not make any sense at all.  
  
"So how was your night?"  
  
"What?" said a flustered Buffy. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Did you sleep okay?"  
  
"Uh huh. He was grunting the entire time though," replied Buffy, not realizing how wrong that sounded. "Couldn't sleep."  
  
"Yup. Did a lot of grunt work," Spike said, grinning. Buffy's face turned deep red.  
  
"Grunting?" Willow gave them both funny looks.  
  
"Like in his sleep," Buffy quickly added. "You know, while he was sleeping in your bed. Since you were gone. I let him sleep in your bed."  
  
"I thought vampires got sleepy during the day." Willow looked at Spike.  
  
"Yeah but Buffy here wanted me sleeping while she was sleeping. Cause you know, when we were awake there were all sorts of nasty—"  
  
Buffy threw Spike a very threatening look.  
  
"Bugs," Spike finished. "Bugs crawl at night. You know, in your ears and up your nose." Again with the no-sense making.  
  
"Right. Bugs," echoed Willow.  
  
"We should go to class," Buffy said, dying to change the subject. "We're late." She turned to Spike and gave him another look. "If you even move a muscle, I'll have to hurt you."  
  
Spike's eyes glistened. "Can't wait."  
  
Buffy groaned in frustration and then dragged Willow out of the dorm. She gave Spike one last menacing glance before slamming the door.  
  
"You okay, Buffy?" Willow asked. "You seem a little... bad moody."  
  
"I'm fine. Spike was just talking all night. Couldn't get any sleep." There was a slight flush on her face again. She didn't meet Willow's eyes. "We'll just have to tie him up and gag him tonight." Buffy winced, trying hard not to think of what she just said in a sexual way.  
  
The moment Buffy saw Riley in Psych class, she dodged behind Willow and walked over to their usual seats. For some reason, she just couldn't face him right now. After that passionate, no, after that disgusting night with Spike, she didn't feel like dealing with Riley. Was it because she was feeling really sick with herself because she enjoyed her night with Spike better than any moment she had had with Riley? She glanced over at Riley. He caught her glance and smiled at her. She quickly looked away.  
  
Willow nudged Buffy's arm. "Was Riley checking you out?" she said, a smile on her lips.  
  
"What?" Buffy looked at Willow and then at Riley, who was still indeed watching Buffy. "Oh. I guess."  
  
"You guess?" Willow asked, not believing Buffy's lack of interest. "Thought you and Riley were in the picnic-y phase. That's got to be a big step towards, well, you know... the smooshing and stuff."  
  
"Yeah, maybe," Buffy replied. It was just that she and Spike were already having hot, fevery...  
  
"Buffy," Willow said, interrupting her thoughts. "You're being avoidy girl."  
  
Buffy shrugged. "He's okay. He's kind of..." she trailed off, remembering how Spike called Riley boring. "He's not boring." Buffy felt like that was a lie. "He's just kind of um, distant. Since you know, he found out that I was engaged."  
  
Willow felt guilty all over again. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Huh?" Buffy looked at her friend and shook her head. "Oh no. I've totally forgotten all about that." Another lie. Why else would she be having sex with Spike? She tried shaking last night out of her mind. It had to be something left over from that spell. There wasn't any other explanation.  
  
Buffy was exhausted by the end of the day. Probably from running away from Riley all day. It was about seven in the evening when she reached her dorm room. She paused before entering it. She hadn't seen Spike since that morning, and she'd been thinking about him all day. She certainly didn't want to confront him now. She inhaled deeply and then turned the knob.  
  
"Spike?" she called.  
  
There was no answer. Buffy stepped inside and looked around. The room was still neat. It seemed as if Spike had cleaned up a bit. Buffy dropped her stuff by the door and then went over to sit on the neatly made bed.  
  
"Spike?" she called again. She ran a hand through her blonde hair and looked at her image in the mirror. "Why am I suddenly worried about how I look for Spike?" She sighed. "He must've gone out or something." Buffy scowled at her reflection. "God why the hell do I even care? I should be happy that he's gone."  
  
"Now is that what you really feel, love?" Spike stepped out of the closet.  
  
Buffy jumped. "What were you doing in there?" she demanded.  
  
Spike shrugged. "Well I was thinking about going out to kill some vampires. Just grabbing a few stakes and things."  
  
"Can I come with?" Buffy asked softly.  
  
"You're the Slayer," Spike snorted. "Not my decision."  
  
"Right." Buffy stood up and wiped her hands on her pants. "Well it's time to patrol, anyway." Spike handed her a stake. Their fingers brushed against each other. For a moment they just stared at each other.  
  
Buffy then tugged the stake out of his grasp. "Hand me a crossbow," she said.  
  
The rest of the way to the cemetery was complete silence. Buffy's hands were gripping the crossbow so tight that her fist was turning white. She kept her eyes out for vampires. Specifically one blonde-headed vamp that didn't seem to be much for words tonight. She gritted her teeth. Just watching the vampire made her remember each movement and every word from the previous night.  
  
Finally she broke the awkwardness. "Are we going to talk this out or not?" she snapped.  
  
Spike turned around, and rammed her into a tombstone. He placed a hand on the surface beside her head. He lips were only inches away from hers. "No," he said. "We're not going to talk it out."  
  
"Why isn't your chip working?"  
  
"It is," replied Spike. "Only when I mean to hurt you."  
  
"And this isn't hurting me?"  
  
"Not intentionally."  
  
"Get off," Buffy said angrily.  
  
"Not until you tell me how you really feel," he said in a low voice.  
  
Her patience was falling. "Thought you didn't want to talk it out."  
  
"I don't, love," Spike whispered. He kissed her sweetly and tenderly until it turned forceful and fierce. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he swung her around. They fell to the ground, intertwined with each other.  
  
"Ahem!"  
  
Spike and Buffy looked up and saw a group of vampires staring down at them.  
  
"Oh." Buffy got up and dusted herself off. Spike and Buffy looked at the vampires, who looked at them with strange stares.  
  
"We gonna get to fighting now?" said one vamp.  
  
"Right," Buffy said. She quickly grabbed her crossbow and shot at the vamp's heart.  
  
"Damn it!" He immediately became dust.  
  
"This is the end, Slayer. We're going to—" Buffy flung a stake straight at the vampire, and it cried out in agony.  
  
The other three vampires came charging at the two. Spike put on his game face. He swung a punch at one and kicked another in the stomach. Meanwhile, Buffy swung her leg around another vamp's head. It started sputtering and choking, and she plunged the stake into the vamp. She ran over to Spike, who was still fighting the other two vampires. She kicked one vamp from the back. Then she staked him on the ground.  
  
"Take that, you bastard!" Spike shouted, driving the stake full force into the vamp's dead heart.  
  
"Uh huh. So now you're insulting your former friends." Buffy walked over to Spike. She realized that he had a pained look on his face, which was now morphed back. He was clutching his left arm, and blood was dripping onto the soft green grass.  
  
Buffy knelt down and gently took his injured arm. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Bloody hell! He cut through the leather!"  
  
"God Spike, is that all you care about?" Buffy shouted at him. She pulled up the sleeve and bit her lip. "You're hurt. Come on, we should get back to the dorm." She helped him up to his feet. "How did it get so cut up like that?"  
  
"Son of a bitch had a bloody knife with him. Amateur," muttered Spike. "Should know that vamps aren't supposed to use weapons except on special occasions. A vamp's weapon is himself. Give us lot a bad name."  
  
Buffy shook her head and smiled. "You give vampires a bad name, Spike. Killing your own kind? Probably not appreciated by the vampire community."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Well I do it for the action. Got nothing better to do anyway." He turned to Buffy. "Then again, I always welcome a good, hot..."  
  
Buffy's smile fell off her face. "That was nothing, Spike," she said quietly. "It didn't mean anything."  
  
"Bollocks!" Spike yelled. "You keep on saying that, love. But I know it meant something." He stopped in his tracks and grabbed her shoulder with one hand. "Admit it. You felt something last night."  
  
Buffy lost herself in his blue eyes for a moment. Then she blinked and immediately looked very irritated. "No," she said firmly. "I'm the Slayer. You're a vampire. We're not supposed to be together."  
  
She started walking off again but Spike stopped her. "Not supposed to," he said in a low, sexy voice. "But you want me. Each time the Scoobies are gone, the Slayer comes out to play..."  
  
"No. I've got Riley for that," Buffy blurted out.  
  
Spike snorted. "What? That idiot soldier boy?"  
  
"Yes. Him. Now leave me alone."  
  
"Are you serious? You two shagged already?"  
  
A great big look of disgust filled her face. "Is that all you think about, Spike? Sex and blood and violence?"  
  
"No. I think about you," he said honestly.  
  
"Oh shut up," Buffy said. She started walking again.  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
She spun on her heel and faced him. "When you get back to the dorm, breathe a word of this and I'll stake you."  
  
Spike rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I know."  
  
"Good." She whirled back around and started heading to Stevenson Hall.  
  
"Won't breathe a word, love," he said softly. Literally, he couldn't.

* * *

JaSmInE C – thanks for the review! I added another chapter because your review made me really happy. Lol  
  
Buffy Fan, Lizzy, little-lost-one, thanks for being my first reviewers :)


	5. At Giles's

**Chapter Five   
At Giles's  
**  
"I can't believe I took you along." Buffy gave Spike an angry look. They were right in front Giles's door for a Scooby meeting. It was evening, and the sun had just set.  
  
"What can I say? You just can't resist me."  
  
"If you say anything about what happened, I will—"  
  
"Put a stake through my heart?"  
  
She didn't say anything.  
  
"Don't worry," Spike said, his voice lower and gentler. She still looked unconvinced. "I promise."  
  
"Like I can trust you," Buffy said under her breath.  
  
She knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Giles answered it. "Good afternoon. How are you?"  
  
"Been better," she replied, stepping inside.  
  
"I'm sorry about leaving Spike with you. I really am, it's just that—"  
  
"Olivia." Buffy smiled. "Is she here, by the way?"  
  
Giles shook his head. "No. She went out. But Buffy, I truly am sorry."  
  
"Yeah. I get it. It's okay. He hasn't been bothering me... much."  
  
"Are you brainwashed or something?" Xander said, as if no one in the world could possibly even stand Spike. "Or maybe Captain Peroxide must be going to great lengths, including losing his ability to think evilly. Well hey, that's a plus for us."  
  
Spike stepped in the room. "For your information, you git," he said calmly but angrily, "I can fight demons."  
  
"Hey! Maybe can actually become useful to the society and help us fight them!" Xander laughed jokingly.  
  
Giles looked thoughtful. "You know, that's a good idea."  
  
"Hey! I was kidding!" Xander frowned.  
  
"I am not fighting on the good side!" Spike yelled. "I am still evil, for your information. Has everybody forgotten? Red!" Spike said, turning towards Willow. "Remember that time I tried to bite you?"  
  
Willow gave him a sympathetic look. "Yeah but you kind of quit with the fangy and the grr from then on."  
  
Spike sighed. "Well, I tried."  
  
"Spike is a good warrior. I'm sure he'd make an excellent addition to the team," Giles said.  
  
"No! This is not good at all! How can you possibly even consider have the evil dead guy with us? Has everyone forgotten that he's a vampire?" Xander exclaimed. "He's probably plotting against us this very moment!"  
  
"For once I agree with the nancy boy," Spike said. He glanced at the fridge. "Got any blood, Rupes?" He sauntered over to the refrigerator.  
  
"So what are we here for?" said Anya in a bored voice. "I want to go home and play sex games with Xander."  
  
Everybody's heads turned towards Xander.  
  
He burst into laughter. "She's kidding! Hahaha. You're so funny, Anya."  
  
Nobody laughed.  
  
"Moving on," Giles said, cleaning his glasses. "All sorts of demonic activities have been occurring lately. Buffy, you really need to focus more on slaying. I believe it would be a good idea to start patrolling more often."  
  
"I don't see why!" Buffy whined. "The Initiative is out there every night. Do I really need to patrol so much?"  
  
"The Initiative?" Giles had a puzzled look on his face. He put his glasses back on.  
  
"Oopsies..." Buffy laughed nervously.  
  
"It's that nancy ninja tribe," Spike spoke up, heating a cup of blood. "You know, those idiot soldier boys?"  
  
"You've been keeping this from us?" Giles said with a very disappointed look on his face.  
  
"Well. No. Not exactly." Buffy sighed. "Well, okay. I did. It's just that I promised Riley I wouldn't tell."  
  
"Riley? That guy Buffy likes?" Xander said loudly.  
  
"I don't like him! Well, I do. But um..." she glanced at Spike, who raised an eyebrow. "I think he's still angry about me being engaged before."  
  
"He's a T.A. in Psych class. He's part of the Initiative," Willow explained.  
  
Everyone turned to look at her. "You knew too?" Giles exclaimed.  
  
"Um... just a little."  
  
"I can't believe this. And Spike knew also?"  
  
"Actually I figured it out before Buffy—"  
  
"Oh shut up," Giles sighed. He turned to Buffy. "You still have to patrol. We don't know anything about this Initiative. Their purposes, their long- term goals. For the time being, you should keep an eye on them as well."  
  
"Oh great. I have to slay and soldier-sit."  
  
"Can we go now? This is so pointless. I don't see why we all had to come," Anya complained. "Besides, Xander was going to teach me a new game—"  
  
"Life!" Xander suddenly shouted. "The Game of Life. You'll love that one."  
  
"Oh is that the one where you're on the table and I—"  
  
"No!" he interrupted. "Let's go home and I'll teach it to you."  
  
"Yes. Go do that," Giles said.  
  
"Meeting over?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Yes, yes. You all may leave."

* * *

Sorry for the short chappy! Instead of one longer one, I'm making two shorter ones.

Thanks for reviewing!! I came back and I was like wow! Reviews! Lol. Thanks to: Anon you made me really happy :), Lizzy, Moluvsnumber17, Katie, little-lost-one, bloodNdarkness, and Eurika...


	6. Nightmare Come True

**Chapter Six   
Nightmare Come True  
**  
The next few days were hectic. Buffy was running around from classes to cemeteries, desperately trying to balance college and slaying. Not to mention the whole Riley thing. Buffy really didn't want to discuss demons and slaying with him at the moment. And she prayed that Riley wouldn't ask her out on some kind of date or want to go patrolling with her. He was just so plain. Well, it was what Buffy had wanted at first. A nice, normal guy. But compared to Spike, Riley was just so... blah. And then there was Spike who seemed to pop up every now and then during patrol, trying to get a moment alone with her.  
  
The next week rolled around, the last week before everyone would be free for Christmas Vacation. On Monday when class was over, Buffy tried ducking out of Psychology before Riley could catch up. Unfortunately, she felt a hand grip her shoulder. She turned around and saw Riley smiling down at her.  
  
"I've been trying to catch up with you all week," he said. "Couldn't find you."  
  
"I can't possibly imagine why," Buffy said sarcastically. "Maybe because I'm really not ready to face you after I've found out that you're one of the military guys. Besides, that was the same night that I..." she stopped. She was just about to let slip that she had slept with Spike.  
  
"Man I knew it was because of the Initiative."  
  
"I won't tell anyone," Buffy replied, now looking down at her shoes. "I promise."  
  
"And I won't tell anybody about you being the Slayer," Riley assured her. "Are you going out for Christmas?"  
  
"Nope. Staying home. Vamp-sitting," Buffy replied absent-mindedly.  
  
"Oh right. Look, I kind of need to talk to you about that."  
  
"Hey," Buffy said, looking up at Riley. "He's my business. I'm not handing him over to the Initiative."  
  
Riley looked hesitant. "I know, Buffy. But this is my work."  
  
"And this is my destiny," Buffy said.  
  
Riley sighed. "Okay. At least for now I'll leave you to deal with Hostile 17... I mean Spike..." He jammed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "So Buffy, I was wondering. You know how we had that picnic a couple weeks ago? Well, I really enjoyed that." Since Buffy didn't reply, he continued. "I thought maybe we could do something like that again. Not a picnic though."  
  
"Oh great," Buffy mumbled. "Another nightmare come true."  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Nothing," Buffy said, plastering a huge fake smile on her face. "I'd love to do something with you."  
  
"Oh!" he suddenly exclaimed. "I should take you in my car."  
  
"To do what exactly?"  
  
He shrugged. "Just drive around. It'll be fun."  
  
"Been there, done that," Buffy laughed. "I'm not a car person."  
  
"I know, but I promised you I'd take you sometime. You'll see. It's the best experience."  
  
"The best," Buffy said, nodding. "I'm sure it is."  
  
"Hey Buffy!" called Willow's voice from behind. Buffy turned to find her best friend running towards her. When she finally caught up with Buffy, she was out of breath. "There you are." She glanced from Buffy to Riley then Buffy again. "Oops. I'll catch you later."  
  
"No, no." Buffy was grateful for Willow coming to rescue her. "There's nothing else, right?" she asked Riley.  
  
"Um, no. I'll call you."  
  
"Great," Buffy said. She and Willow exited the classroom. Buffy let out a loud sigh.  
  
Willow looked excitedly at Buffy. "Oh my gosh! What happened! Did he ask you out again?"  
  
"What?" Buffy looked blankly at Willow. "Oh yeah. Um, he did."  
  
"So... where's he taking you?"  
  
"We're going driving."  
  
"Driving."  
  
"Uh huh. Sounds like so much fun, doesn't it?" Buffy said ironically.  
  
"Okay, so the chosen activity isn't all that exciting. Doesn't mean Riley isn't a cool guy. I mean he does have the nice arms, like you said."  
  
Buffy smiled weakly. "Thanks for the support, Wil."  
  
Willow sat down on a bench outside of a classroom. Buffy sat down next to her. "Buffy, is something wrong? Just a little while ago, you were practically drooling over Riley." She saw Buffy's annoyed face and then quickly added, "Not that it's a bad thing. But now you never want to see him. And you always hide from him. Not that I'm trying to control your love life or anything. Okay. Yeah, there's the whole Commando thing. But you've got to have a guy. You can't just spend your days moping and—" she stopped herself. "I'm making no with the sense, aren't I?"  
  
Buffy wrapped an arm around Willow's shoulders. "No. You're being a good friend." She took her arm off and then sat cross-legged on the bench. "Okay, I have to talk to you about something."  
  
Willow's eyes had traveled away. Buffy looked to what Willow was gazing at. "Is it a guy?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Huh?" Willow replied, obviously distracted.  
  
"The person you're staring at. A guy, right?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"So... who's the new handsome? Is he Willow-worthy?"  
  
But all Buffy could see was Willow staring at some girl with blonde hair. The girl was wearing a large red sweater and jeans. She dropped her books and then knelt down to pick them back up.  
  
"Oh no guy," Willow suddenly said, snapping her attention back to Buffy. "Just me in dreamy land. I'm getting better though," she added. "You know, with the whole Oz leaving me thing. I think I'm finally moving on."  
  
"Well that's good," Buffy commented.  
  
"Um I have to go to the um, place," said Willow, standing up. "You know. The one with all the books?"  
  
"The library?"  
  
"I have some stuff to do before class. See you later!" Willow waved and ran in the wrong direction.  
  
"Wait! Willow!" Buffy called after her. "The library is that way..." 


	7. One More Night

**Chapter Seven  
One More Night  
  
**Buffy opened the door to her dorm, feeling very upset. She had been yelled at and kicked out of class by two teachers. Riley had asked her out on the most boring date ever, and she couldn't believe she actually accepted it. She bumped into Parker at lunch, and he insulted her by saying she was weak and clingy. Willow had been distant all day.  
  
Now she was coming home to Spike, who was probably ready to put some moves on her. She stepped inside and threw her bag across the room. It left a dent on the wall. "Stupid Slayer strength," Buffy complained.  
  
Spike came out of the kitchen with a mug of blood. "That you, Slayer?"  
  
"Now my day will be complete," Buffy sighed, plopping down on the bed and closing her eyes.  
  
He took a deep drink from the mug. "Hmmm... pig's blood isn't too bad, you know. I've gotten used to it."  
  
Buffy didn't answer.  
  
He drank the last drops of blood and then placed his mug in the sink. "Something on your mind, pet?"  
  
"More than I need."  
  
They were silent for a while. Then Spike suddenly sat down next to her. "I don't know why we do this. You and me, I mean. The fighting, the kissing, the punching, the shagging..."  
  
"We've only done that last part once," Buffy reminded him.  
  
"I've gone insane. That's what," Spike continued. "Got any beer?" he asked, gazing at Buffy. She just looked at him funny. "You know, this isn't right. Vampire with a Slayer. It's wrong. I've just gotten so impotent that I'm actually shagging a Slayer. God I can't believe it. I shagged a Slayer."  
  
"Do you always have to use that word?"  
  
"What? Shagging? I'm English, woman. What the hell am I supposed to say?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Whatever."  
  
"It's the sodding chip," Spike grumbled. "And it's all them wankers who shoved it up my brain. Now I've got nothing better to do than sit around seeking comfort with someone I should be killing."  
  
"Yeah, same here," sighed Buffy.  
  
Spike looked at Buffy. "Want to shag now?"  
  
Buffy slapped him and then stood up. "No. That was a mistake. I am never doing anything with you ever again."  
  
"You keep on saying that, love. But you won't be able to fool yourself."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"I'm just saying vampires get you hot."  
  
"A vampire," Buffy corrected him. "A vampire got me hot. And he's gone. Y- your just... there."  
  
Spike stood up and ran his fingers down her silky blonde hair. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. He wrapped the Slayer tightly in his arms. He stared into her green eyes, his lips just barely touched hers.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes. "Don't," she said, but it didn't come out as commanding as she had intended it to be.  
  
"And what is the great Slayer going to do to stop me?" he asked softly.  
  
She gave in and crushed her lips onto his. They kissed fiercely, with just pure blazing passion and Buffy pushed him onto the same bed they had sex on just days ago.  
  
"What if Willow comes in?" she whispered in between kisses.  
  
"She won't."  
  
Buffy grinned. "Why?"  
  
"Bloody hell, Buffy."  
  
She laughed and started kissing him again. The only things left were clothes to be removed and love to be made. And they did just that.  
  
Buffy woke up and sat up straight. It was pitch black, and she couldn't see anything. She covered herself with the blanket. Oh God. It happened again. How could she let this happen to her? How could she possibly have sex with Spike twice? She moved towards the windows to see if it was still dark outside, but she fell over somebody. She took the blanket with her and tumbled off the bed.  
  
"Ow!" she cried. Her head had bumped against the nightstand.  
  
"Hmm?" She heard Spike say above her.  
  
"That hurt," she whimpered.  
  
"You okay?" Spike asked.  
  
"And you care because..." Buffy rubbed her head. A little bump was starting to form. "Oh great," she said, feeling very lousy.  
  
"What?"  
  
"There's a bump."  
  
"Aww, want me to kiss it and make it better?"  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"Where's the witch?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Spike was now sitting up and looking over at Willow's bed. "Where's Red?"  
  
Buffy squinted her eyes, but all she could see was darkness. "Can you see the bed?"  
  
"Yep, and it's still nice and neat."  
  
"Where has she been?" Buffy wrapped herself with the blanket and then tried to make it back to her bed. She ended up landing on Spike. "A little help here?" Buffy pleaded. Spike gently pushed her to the other side of him.  
  
"I have a feeling she hasn't been here every night," Buffy said. "I mean, the other night we um... slept together, she was out all night too. There must be other days she's been out."  
  
"You mean besides the days that we didn't..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Spike scoffed. "Whatever. Like I care."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "Next time we'll have to do it somewhere else. Can't risk getting caught."  
  
"There's a next time?"  
  
Even in the dark, Buffy's face flushed deep red. "I-I didn't mean that. I was just... no. There's no next time."  
  
"I didn't wake up in flames. Good enough for me. Well, sunrise isn't for a few hours."  
  
"How did you know?"  
  
"Know what, love?"  
  
"Sunrise."  
  
Spike shrugged. "Vampire senses."  
  
"Oh right. I remember that with Angel."  
  
The name Angel caused made Spike's insides freeze. "Angel." He said the name with anger and revulsion.  
  
Buffy giggled. "Are you jealous?"  
  
"Of that poofter? Course not! Rather be soulless than cursed."  
  
"Oh," Buffy said. Taking the blanket, she carefully felt her way towards the closet. She dug through some clothes and finally found some clothes to wear. She quickly put everything on and then came back out.  
  
Spike had also gotten dressed. Well, just his jeans at least. She couldn't see anything, but she heard the zipper. She blushed, remembering the night before.  
  
"Where is Willow?" asked Buffy worriedly, making her way through the darkness. "This isn't like her."  
  
"Well it's not like you to be screwing vamps."  
  
"I'm not," Buffy said defensively. "It was twice. And that's all."  
  
"You keep saying that, love..." Spike sighed. "You keep saying that."  
  
Buffy ran into the bed. "Ow!" she groaned. "Now there's going to be a huge bruise on my leg. I hate darkness. I can't see anything. I can't even see you." She whimpered.  
  
Spike, who could see Buffy very well, walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm here," he said into her ear.  
  
They got into bed together again and Buffy lay against his chest. It reminded her of listening to the unbeating of a vampire's heart. She remembered all the times she was with Angel. She had gotten so used to not listening to a heartbeat that when she was with Parker, it was almost weird to hear one. She placed her hand against Spike's chest and sighed.  
  
What was wrong with her lately? Spike was like her mortal enemy. He had tried to kill her so many times. There had always been something between them, but it was never love. After almost getting married, it seemed that they both realized that there was something between them. It could've been lust. But right now in Spike's arms, Buffy never felt more love and passion.  
  
"This isn't right," Buffy suddenly said, standing up. "I can't... I can't do this."  
  
Spike pulled her back down and gently touched her face. He kissed her on the forehead. "What's wrong, love?"  
  
"You're not supposed to be so sweet to me. You're a vampire and I'm... I'm the Slayer. This isn't right. I can't do this," she sputtered. She kicked him away from her. "Don't touch me."  
  
"Oh great. Now that you're all back to hating me, I guess I'll—"  
  
"I don't hate you," Buffy immediately interrupted. "I just... I can't be with you."  
  
"So. Let me get this straight," Spike said, propping himself up on the back of the bed. He grabbed his coat from the ground and took out a cigarette and lighter. "You start drowning in your sorrows, and you come scampering to me. You use me, and then you start treating me like dirt again."  
  
"That's not..."  
  
The creaking of the door made both Buffy and Spike silent. "Willow?" Buffy quietly walked over to the door. "Is that you?"  
  
The light in the hallway came into the dorm, and Willow looked back at Buffy with a guilty expression. "Uh... morning, Buffy!" she said cheerfully.  
  
"Where the hell were you?" Buffy demanded.  
  
"Chem lab," Willow immediately replied.  
  
"Again?"  
  
Willow nodded. She closed the door behind her and then turned on a lamp. She saw Spike's figure on Buffy's bed, smoking a cigarette.  
  
"Oh. Hi Spike. Um, why are you on Buffy's bed? Shirtless?"  
  
Spike glowered at her. "Felt like it. What's it to you?"  
  
"Willow," Buffy said, trying to ignore Spike. "I'm just worried."  
  
"Don't be," Willow said, trying to be lighthearted. "I-I'm an adult. I should be able to live with the liberty. Besides, I was just doing some spells. I kind of fell asleep."  
  
"And how many days have you been doing this?"  
  
Willow bit her lip. "Um... just a few."  
  
"I just don't want you getting hurt."  
  
"Well what is he doing on your bed?" Willow said loudly, desperately trying to change the subject. "Got an explanation for that?"  
  
"H-he woke me up," Buffy stammered.  
  
Willow raised her eyebrows. "And where was he exactly?"  
  
"On the bed," said Spike as Buffy said, "On the floor." at the same time.  
  
Willow gave Buffy a what's-going-on look. "I wouldn't," Buffy told her. "It might look like... something. But it's not. I promise you, I'd never touch a vampire."  
  
"Yeah that's why you slay 'em everyday," Spike muttered.  
  
Willow tiredly moved towards her bed and collapsed onto it. "I'm so worn out. I'm just gonna crash." She switched the lamp back off.  
  
Buffy turned her attention to Spike, who was placing his cigarette on the nightstand. "Get off the bed," she said through gritted teeth. "And don't put that there!" she added, meaning the cigarette.  
  
"I do as I please."  
  
"Get off or else I'll kick your ass off."  
  
"Let's see you try," Spike retorted. "I'm not sleeping in that bloody chair another day. I like the bed. It's nice and comfy. Plus it's Buffy-scented."  
  
Buffy quickly shifted her gaze to Willow. Luckily she was already fast asleep.  
  
"You're a pig, Spike."  
  
"Sung that one quite a few times, love." He paused. "Yet I never seem to get enough of it."  
  
"Please stop talking to me."  
  
He shrugged. "Suit yourself. You can take your turn sleeping in the chair. See how you like it."  
  
Buffy sighed heavily. "Fine. Stay in the bed. Just don't touch me." She got under the comfy covers, fighting her temptations to snuggle up to him. She stared out into the darkness until she felt his hand slowly traveling up her leg. She gasped. It was sending tingles all up and down her body.  
  
"Stop it," she hissed. She grabbed his hand, but found herself not wanting to let go. Her face grew hot. "Stop," she said in a softer voice. "Don't..." she still held his hand. "Let go," she whispered. "Willow will see in the morning."  
  
"So we'll get up early."  
  
Buffy traced her fingers up his arm. "Fine. Now stop talking and go to sleep."  
  
He held her hand in his and soon they fell asleep.

* * *

Another night, another morning... there you go. Another chapter. Lol.

Thank you to: samica, little-lost-one, Lizzy, leostorm, Vee017, Buffy Fan, and bitemee (or bitmee??) for the latest reviews


	8. One More Morning

**Chapter Eight  
One More Morning  
**  
Buffy woke up with an arm wrapped around her waist. She opened her eyes and turned around to face Spike, who was still fast asleep.

"What are you doing?" she hissed. "Get off before Willow wakes up!"

Spike stirred. "Hmm?"

"I thought vampires were only sleepy during the day." She pushed him off the bed. He landed on the floor with a thud and caused Willow to stir in her sleep.

Buffy walked out the dorm. "A moment away from that stupid vampire," she said, heading towards the restrooms to brush her teeth. After brushing, she rinsed her face with cold water and then wiped it dry with a cloth. She stared at herself in the mirror. "I can't believe I slept with Spike. Twice."

She walked back to their dorm room to find Spike still prowling around, shirtless.

"Get dressed!" she snapped.

"I am dressed!" Spike pointed to his pants.

"Not fully." She threw him his black shirt. "Now go drink some blood or something."

Willow was waking up. She yawned. "What's all the fuss about?"

"Spike was up all night," Buffy lied. "Again. You know we really should just let him go outside or something."

"Oh but I like the view here," he said, smirking at Buffy. "And the blood."

Willow nodded. "I'm just gonna go wash up. Be back in five." Spike eyed her impatiently as she gathered a toothbrush, cup, and hairbrush and then tripped before leaving the room.

"Finally." He moved towards Buffy. She was busy looking through the refrigerator when he slipped his arms around her from the back. Buffy couldn't help smiling. She turned around and swung her arms around the vamp.

"Okay. I'm all yours. But just for a few minutes." Buffy moved her lips towards his and they shared a heated kiss.

Spike pulled away from her. "Do you still hate me?" he asked.

Buffy hesitated. "Well... not all the time."

"Not when I do this..." Spike kissed her gently.

"Mmm, yeah," Buffy laughed.

The door swung open. She immediately pushed him away, brushed herself off, and tried to look casual. Willow came in, still looking like a mess.

"Forgot toothpaste," she explained. Spike and Buffy watched as she dug around her stuff. She held up a tube of toothpaste. "Got it." She reluctantly dragged herself back out the door.

"What's wrong with the witch?" Spike remarked. He lit up a cigarette.

"She's just tired. I think from all the magic last night." Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Don't smoke in the dorm! It smells... smoky. Besides, this is a smoke-free dorm. At least, I think it is."

Spike ignored her and continued smoking. "I think I'll back to sleep now. See you tonight, love."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

The blonde-haired vamp grinned at her. "Whatever you want it to mean. We'll have ourselves a grand old time."

Buffy scowled at him and then got her stuff ready for classes. "Why doesn't Giles just let me kill him?" she muttered to herself. She slammed the door behind her. Looking up, she saw Willow talking to some blonde girl.

"Oh, hey Willow!" Buffy called.

Willow turned around, looking very nervous. "Oh! Hi Buffy!" she said, while Buffy made her way over. "Um, this is Tara." She gestured towards the blonde girl. "And this is Buffy."

"H-hi Buffy," Tara said, smiling.

"Tara." The name sounded vaguely familiar. "Have we met before?"

"No," Willow immediately replied. "She's in the Wicca Club. I might have mentioned her a couple of times."

"Cool. So you into the witchcraft thing, too?"

"Yeah," Tara said. "My mom was, um. She kind of got me into it."

"Is she nice?" asked Buffy.

"What?"

"Your mom. Is she nice?"

Tara looked down at her shoes. "She passed away last year," she said this with difficulty.

"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up."

Tara looked back up at Buffy. "It's okay. I'm getting b-better."

Buffy smiled sympathetically. "Crap. I have to be getting to class. I'll see you later, Willow. Oh and it was nice meeting you, Tara."

Tara smiled. She and Willow started walking towards the dorm room. "She's really nice," Tara said.

"Yeah, she is. We're best friends. Not that you aren't one of my best friends," Willow quickly added. "You're different from my other friends. You're like... I don't know. I feel like we have this connection." They reached the door to Willow's dorm. "I just have to get my stuff. I'll be back out in a second."

Tara nodded. Willow quietly opened the door and slipped inside. Suddenly she saw Spike's naked figure walking about.

She shrieked. She covered her eyes with a hand. "Ahh! Spike! Why are you all... clothesless?" she quickly turned away. "Put on your pants!"

"Thought you were gone. Was about to go to sleep. What are you doing here?"

"You sleep in the nude?" Willow coughed. "Just getting my stuff."

"It's fine. I'm dressed."

Just then the door opened and Tara came in. She looked at Spike and then at Willow. "Um... sorry. I was um. I-I heard you scream and um... w-who's he?" she asked, pointing towards Spike, who was half-naked.

"It's not what you think!" Willow exclaimed. "H-he's a friend of Buffy's."

"Yeah, you could call us that," Spike muttered, grabbing a cup and filling it with cold blood. "Friends," he said sarcastically, placing the cup in the microwave.

"Oh. So you two aren't..." Tara glanced from Spike to Willow.

"Uh uh." Willow shook her head. A disgusted look came over her face. "No way. Not ever. Except that one time he trapped me in the factory and then there was that time where he tried to bite me on the bed." She glanced at Tara, who had a hurt look on her face. "I mean, nothing happened. Just... just forget I ever said anything!" She grabbed her stuff. "Come on, let's go."

"Yeah, sod off," Spike snapped. "Sun's out. Need sleep."

Willow smiled weakly and then pulled Tara out of the room. "He's moody," she explained. "Sunlight issues." She quietly closed the door behind her. "Come on, we'd better get to class."

Once they had gotten out of the room, they walked out Stevenson Hall in silence. Finally Tara said, "So Spike isn't your boyfriend or anything."

"Definitely not. Never. He's..." Willow took a deep breath. "He's a vampire."

Tara didn't seem too surprised. "Oh."

"Guess you're used to the supernatural and mystic stuff, huh?"

"Yeah. I guess vampires being r-real isn't such a shock." She locked gazes with Willow. "I'm glad that he's not... your boyfriend or anything."

A smile formed on Willow's lips. She didn't say anything.

Tara smiled back. "So. Are you doing anything tonight?"

* * *

Moonlight-is-Innocence - don't worry, I'm getting to the less denial-y parts. Buffy was horrible to Spike in Season Six... and I'm not about to let that happen in my ficcy :) Buffy's just being a little denialish in the beginning cause she's... well, she's Buffy. 

Thanks to all my readers for reviewing!!!!! more reviews... more chappies...


	9. Still In Denial

**Chapter Nine   
Still In Denial  
  
**"Friday. At last," Buffy sighed with happiness, flopping on her bed. "All I'm going to do is go to sleep and hopefully wake up in the summer."  
  
"You know, I quite like staying here. I hope I don't have to go the old Watcher's place again." Spike sat down on the bed and let his fingers crawl over her shoulders.  
  
Buffy blushed and pushed his hands off of her.  
  
"What? Worried that Red's gonna barge in?"  
  
"No," she said softly. "I'm just trying to think. I can't concentrate with you... doing things."  
  
Spike moved closer to her. He wrapped her in his arms from behind. "What do we have here, exactly?" he whispered in her ear.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"There's something between us."  
  
"We don't have anything," Buffy immediately said. She sighed and hugged him closer to her. "I don't think. Well, sometimes we do. But that's just when we..."  
  
Spike chuckled. "When we what?"  
  
"Please don't. I'm just confused. Don't make it harder." She stood up and grabbed her bag of slaying stuff.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Home," she replied. She scribbled Willow a note and left it on the nightstand. With that, she closed the lights and walked out the room. She stuck her head back in the room. "You coming?" Slowly Spike got off the bed and followed her.  
  
She locked the door behind. "Not gonna be coming back for a while," she said.  
  
"Then where will I stay?"  
  
Buffy stared at him. "We have a guest room at the house."  
  
Spike smirked and touched her face. He pouted. "I can't stay in your room?"  
  
The Slayer frowned at him. "If you misbehave, I'll have to chain you in the bathtub," she said seriously.  
  
"Wouldn't that be fun?"  
  
She ignored the last remark and continued out of Stevenson. Maybe after Christmas break, she and Spike would remember that they were mortal enemies. And maybe he'd stop treating her so nicely. She was so confused about how she felt. Was it love? No. It couldn't be love. She couldn't love a vampire... well, at least one without a soul. Then why was she sleeping with him?  
  
Right when they got to the front entrance, she ran into Riley. He looked at her and then at Spike. Buffy sighed and looked down at the concrete.  
  
"Buffy," Riley greeted. "I was coming to ask you about our date."  
  
"Date?" Buffy looked up, a blank look on her face.  
  
Riley nodded. "Did you forget?" he asked, disappointed. "The car ride?"  
  
"Car ride?" Spike repeated, very amused.  
  
"It's none of your business," Riley said coldly.  
  
"Trust me. I didn't want to know."  
  
"Spike, please." Buffy smiled at Riley. "No, I didn't forget. I thought you were just going to call. I was just surprised that you would come in person."  
  
"Well how about next Friday?" Riley glanced once more at Spike. "He won't be around anymore, will he?"  
  
"Friday's fine. I can't wait!" Buffy sounded a little too enthusiastic. "Car ride sounds perfect."  
  
Spike snorted, and Buffy shoved him in the side with her elbow.  
  
It was obvious Riley was trying very hard not to pay attention to Spike. "I'll pick you up around seven. That all right?"  
  
"Oh I won't be here. I'm going home for Christmas."  
  
"Yeah, so piss off," Spike said, smug that he'd be with Buffy and Riley wouldn't. Okay, so it was one car ride. Like Buffy was interested in that kind of thing anyway. She'd probably rather comfy up with Spike in bed...  
  
"I have to go, Riley. You have my home phone, right?"  
  
"Um, yeah."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Okay then. Call me."  
  
"You're actually going out on a date with that idiot?" Spike exclaimed once they were far from Riley.  
  
"Are you jealous?"  
  
Spike snorted. "He's not your type."  
  
"Look," Buffy said, stopping to look at Spike's blue eyes. "It's just one, boring date. It's not like I really care about him. Don't bug me about it."  
  
"You don't care for the soldier boy, must mean there's something between you and me."  
  
"No," Buffy replied, starting to walk again.  
  
Spike sighed. "Why don't you just admit it?"  
  
"We're almost home. Can we talk about it later?"  
  
After some minutes more, they reached Buffy's house. When they stepped onto the porch, Spike placed his hands firmly on her shoulders. She looked up at him with surprise. All she really wanted to do was melt into his kiss and let him sweep her off her feet. Really, she'd just like a happy ending. But being the Slayer made everything so complicated.  
  
"Spike, not here," Buffy whispered. "My mom's right inside."  
  
"Just tell me."  
  
Buffy punched him in the face. "Not right here. I can't do this right now," she said very seriously. She rang the doorbell and waited for her mother to answer the door.  
  
A look of surprise came over Joyce's face when she saw Buffy standing there. "This is very unexpected," she said to her daughter. "It's nice of you to..." Her eyes landed on Spike, and she raised her eyebrows.  
  
"Um, don't worry," Buffy said, glancing at Spike. "He's harmless."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Buffy ignored him. "These government people put a chip in his brain so that he can't bite or even hurt humans." She smiled at her mom. "Can we stay here for Christmas vacation?"  
  
"You don't have to ask!" Joyce laughed. "Of course." Buffy and Spike stepped inside. "Have you already eaten?" she asked. "Oh, I'm sorry. You don't eat, do you?" she said to Spike.  
  
"Oh I eat. Abnormal thing for a vamp, but yeah. I quite like eating. Stuff other than blood, I mean."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Come on, Spike. I'll show you the guest room."  
  
His lips formed into a naughty smile. "Uh huh," he said as she grabbed his arm and dragged him upstairs.  
  
Before they even got to the guest room, Spike grabbed her by the waist and made her face him. "You know you want me," he whispered. "Come on, say it."  
  
Buffy blushed and shook her head. "Shh, my mom's right downstairs."  
  
"Just say it, or else I'll make things louder."  
  
"Fine. I want you."

"Do you love me?" he asked.  
  
Instead of answering, she kissed him on the lips and then loosened herself from him. "Come on, I'll show you the guest room," she said softly. But before she could make another step, Spike pulled her to him again.  
  
"What's wrong with me sleeping in your bed?"  
  
"Everything!" Buffy hissed. "And stop it with that pout!"  
  
"We were engaged, you know," he reminded her. "You didn't seem to mind back then."  
  
"And I don't now," Buffy said truthfully, staring into his eyes. She quickly looked away. "It's not right. I can't be with you."  
  
Spike's expression changed into an angry one. "Fine. Go and see your mum," he said, letting go of her. "I'll be out."  
  
Just as he was walking down the stairs, Buffy called after him, "Where will you be?"  
  
"Just out." With that he stepped out the door and slammed it behind him. Buffy sighed. She sat on a stair step and buried her face in her hands. This was all too much. Why did she ever have to get so intimate with Spike? Well, it wasn't even intimate. It was more like fighting, kissing, and a little sex. But she did like him. A lot. She just didn't want to admit to herself that she was started to actually feel something for him.  
  
"What happened? Buffy, are you all right?"  
  
Buffy looked up to see her mother standing at the bottom of the stairs. Buffy quickly got up and made her way towards Joyce. "Uh yeah," she said. "Spike's just moody. You know, having the chip and all."  
  
"What if he doesn't come back?"  
  
"I'll go look for him. He won't go far."  
  
"Would you like something to eat? Soup, maybe?" Joyce offered.  
  
Buffy nodded gratefully.

* * *

Thanks sooo much for all the reviews. Yeah I know, Buffy's still being denial girl. That's just how she is... but not for long. Review and you'll see what happens next :)


	10. Almost

**Chapter Ten   
Almost  
**  
Spike leaned by a tree in the cemetery, smoking a cigarette. Buffy was making his unlife miserable. It was bad enough that he had this bleeding chip in his head. Now he was slowly falling in love with the Slayer. No. That wasn't true. He didn't love her. He just kind of liked her for the sex. That's right. It was all about the sex. He dropped the cigarette to the ground and stepped on it. Why did he care so much for her anyway? Just days ago, he would've killed her in an instant.  
  
He scanned the cemetery for any vamps walking about, but there were none. "Slow night," he muttered.  
  
Suddenly Buffy appeared in front of him. "Not so much," she said.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Patrolling," Buffy replied. "And looking for you."  
  
Spike scoffed. "Oh right. Watcher's instructions, right? Take in Spike for a couple weeks, play with him a bit, tear his dead heart into tiny bloody pieces, then play with him some more."  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh right. Then what is it, Slayer? I may be evil dead, but I still feel something. I don't like it, but it's there."  
  
"I know," Buffy said sincerely. "I feel it too. I'm just... afraid."  
  
Spike didn't say anything, so she continued. "First there was Angel, I loved him so much... but we could never be together. Then there was Parker, who was a complete jerk to me. And I was starting to get somewhere with Riley. But then I realized I didn't like him the same way he liked me." She stared into Spike's eyes. "Now there's you. We hated each other. You've tried to kill me several times—"  
  
"It goes the other way around too, you know," he interrupted.  
  
"Okay, I've tried killing you too. But what's been happening lately, it's just so sudden."  
  
"Like our engagement?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "Will you stop bringing that up? We were under a spell. I don't even know if what we have is real."  
  
"What do we have?" Spike asked her, gently touching her face.  
  
"Nothing," Buffy immediately replied.  
  
"There you go again, Slayer." He drew his hand back and started walking away. "Always saying the same bloody thing."  
  
She ran after him and stood in front of him, stopping him from going forward. "I'm sorry."  
  
They stared at one another, each confused but not caring, before finding themselves locked in a passionate kiss. Everything else went away. It was just Spike and Buffy.  
  
Breathless, Buffy pulled back and gazed into his blue eyes. "Spike," she whispered. He closed the space between them and started kissing her again. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck. It all felt so right and so wrong at the same time.  
  
"We'd better go home," Buffy whispered. They started heading back to Buffy's home.  
  
"And what do you want to do when we get there?" Spike asked, a small smile on his lips.  
  
"I'm not sure yet," she said, smiling back. "But first, gotta fight some vamps."  
  
"Your lucky night." Spike kissed her cheek. "Haven't seen any."  
  
"Oh I've seen one." Buffy leaned in and they started kissing again. "Okay." She stopped kissing him. "There's gotta be some vampires around here."  
  
Suddenly a hand popped out of the ground. It started climbing out but got stuck in the process. Buffy ran over and plunged a stake into its chest. Then three vampires lunged at them from out of nowhere.  
  
"To make my night complete," Buffy sighed sarcastically.  
  
"What about me?" Spike shouted while punching one vamp.  
  
Buffy kicked another vampire down to the floor and then staked it. She ran for the third and staked it from the back. She tossed the stake to Spike. He staked the vamp he was fighting and it turned to dust.  
  
Buffy grinned. "Now to make my night complete." She placed her arms around him and they started kissing again.  
  
"Almost," he whispered.  
  
"Buffy?" Joyce called. Buffy and Spike had just come in. The whole trip from the cemetery to Buffy's house, the two of them could barely keep their hands off each other. "It's late," Joyce said, making her way over to the two. "Promise me you'll get some rest?"  
  
"Uh huh. I will."  
  
"I'm going to bed. You'll take care of Spike?"  
  
"Oh yeah she will," Spike replied for Buffy, who kicked him in the leg.  
  
"Goodnight then." Joyce smiled and then headed on upstairs.  
  
Buffy sighed with relief. "Come on," she whispered to Spike once her mother was out of sight. She dragged him up to her room and then quickly closed the door behind them.  
  
Spike immediately pulled her to him and started kissing her on the lips.  
  
"We haven't locked the door yet," Buffy said in between kisses.  
  
"So?"  
  
Buffy pushed him away and locked the door. "Okay. Continue." She turned back to him and smiled.  
  
He captured her lips with his and gently pushed her on the bed, crushing her beneath him. She slipped off his coat and it fell to the ground. Suddenly Spike pulled away and stared down at her.  
  
She opened her eyes. "What's wrong?" she whispered.  
  
"Do you love me?"  
  
Buffy didn't reply. Her gaze shifted away from his eyes.  
  
He slowly rolled off of her. "You said a lot in the graveyard, but you never said you loved me."  
  
Buffy propped herself up against the back of the bed. "I know," she replied softly.  
  
"Well, do you love me?" Spike asked, looking at her.  
  
Again, Buffy didn't reply.  
  
"Look I'm just gonna go," Spike said, standing up. "This obviously isn't worth it if I'm not getting anything back."  
  
"What's that mean?"  
  
Spike picked up his coat. "Don't know," he replied.  
  
"Well it has to mean something."  
  
"It doesn't," he said sharply.  
  
"You're not getting any back? Do you love me, Spike?" Her eyes widened.  
  
"Just leave it. I didn't mean anything."  
  
"Where are you going?" she asked as he reached for the door.  
  
"Somewhere other than here."  
  
"Spike." Buffy gazed at him with pleading eyes. His hand landed on the doorknob. "Stay here."  
  
"Give me one good reason why I should."  
  
She was silent for a moment, and then, "Because I want you with me. I don't know if I love you, but being with you feels right. It's just that if my friends found out about the things I've been doing with you... I don't know how they'd react. You're supposed to be everything I hate. Everything I'm against. But you're not. I just want someone who actually wants me."  
  
"Oh come on." Spike rolled his eyes. "Captain Cardboard'll let you in any day of the week."  
  
"Not really. He wasn't exactly jumping with gladness when I told him you and I were engaged."  
  
"Yeah? That's why he's so eager on taking you driving next week?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "Well before he had kind of given up on me... and I was a little depressed. And you were there... so I just—"  
  
"What? Used me?" Spike said angrily.  
  
"No!" Buffy immediately said.  
  
"Well then if you're not using me, then what is this?"  
  
"The last thing I would do is use you, Spike," she said sincerely. "What I want is something real. Something that will last."  
  
Spike sat down on the edge of her bed. "And you think this between us will last?"  
  
Buffy sighed again. "I don't know. I don't know anything right now. I just want to go to sleep." She looked up into his eyes. "Please stay? We don't have to... do anything. Can you just hold me?"  
  
And he did.

* * *

Yay! More reviews... keep 'em coming people and I'll keep the chapters coming. And tell me if there's anything you don't like about my fic, and please tell me all the things you do like. Just don't be mean... lol.


	11. Out of the Picture

**Chapter Eleven   
Out of the Picture  
**  
Buffy yawned. Sunlight was pouring in her room. "Spike?" she said sleepily. She felt for him next to her, but he wasn't there. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. After getting dressed and washed up, Buffy strolled downstairs to find her mother cooking pancakes.  
  
"Morning," Joyce greeted her.  
  
"Morning. Have you seen Spike?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Spike?" Joyce placed a stack of pancakes on a plate. "Nope."  
  
"He's gone," she said while helping herself to some pancakes and orange juice.  
  
"Maybe he went out last night. Vampires usually are up at night, aren't there?"  
  
Buffy shrugged. "Yeah but I thought he'd stick around." She caught the surprised look on her mother's face. "Cause I thought he'd want some blood or something."  
  
"We don't have blood," her mother replied.  
  
"Well I thought I'd buy some," Buffy said, gulping down some juice. "Vamps have to have their blood, after all. In fact I'll go do that right now."  
  
"Honey, it's Saturday. You should relax."  
  
Buffy smiled. "Yeah I know. But I really do have to go to the butcher's to get some blood. I'll be back in less than an hour."  
  
Joyce sighed. "She hasn't even been back for a day and now she's headed out again," she said to herself as Buffy went out the back door.  
  
Meanwhile, Buffy headed towards the butcher's shop, wondering where on earth Spike could be. The sun was out, and there was nowhere else he could've gone. Maybe he was actually still back at home, and she was freaking out over nothing.  
  
After she had gotten some packs of pig's blood, Buffy headed on back to her house. Just then she spotted Riley walking on the street also. He waved to her and ran over. She exhaled deeply.  
  
"Hey Buffy."  
  
She put on a strained smile. "Hey," she said.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"What do you mean what am I doing here?"  
  
He gestured towards the butcher's shop. "Saw you come out of there."  
  
"Oh. Blood for Spike," she replied, holding up the paper bag.  
  
"Oh. Him." Riley shoved his hands in his pockets.  
  
Buffy sighed. "Riley please don't tell the Initiative about him."  
  
He let out a sarcastic laugh. "See that's why I don't get. He's a vampire. A monster. Just another animal that deserves to be caged. And here you are, feeding him after all that he's killed."  
  
"I told you," Buffy said, a little more harsh than she meant. "We're holding him hostage."  
  
Riley shook his head. "No, it's more than that. Besides, you have the Initiative for that. We could easily—"  
  
"Take him in," Buffy interrupted. "Do experiments. That kind of thing?"  
  
"Yes!" Riley said, a bit frantically. "We take them out so that civilians will be safe from harm!"  
  
"Look I can't talk about this right now," Buffy said, avoiding his gaze. She shoved him aside.  
  
Still, he continued following her. "Why not?" he asked.  
  
She didn't answer him.  
  
"Buffy, I really want to get this right with you. I like you a lot. You're different from other girls..."  
  
She immediately swung around, her grocery bag nearly knocking into him. "You know what? Yeah, I am different. I'm the Slayer. I don't know what you or the Initiative know about the Slayer, but I'll tell you this. I've gone through more than you could ever imagine. I've loved, and killed, and gotten, and lost. I've even died. There are some things that are more important that whatever you and I have or don't have. I already know that I'm different from other girls. I don't need you to remind me."  
  
She continued walking with Riley staring after her. "Buffy," he called, but she didn't turn back.  
  
"Hey, Mom," Buffy called when she got home. She placed the bag of blood on the counter. "Mom?"  
  
"Hey," Joyce said, entering the kitchen. "Got the stuff?"  
  
"Yeah. Spike back yet?" She glanced outside. "Well, okay. He wouldn't be. Where is he anyway?"  
  
"Not around the house," Joyce replied. "Well, I haven't seen him anyway. What's the big rush? I'm sure Spike is fine."  
  
Buffy smiled. "I know. I'm just... I just think that... He needs to..."  
  
Joyce had her eyebrows raised.  
  
"Giles needs him," she finished, redness creeping over her face. "For this Slayer thing... and..." she laughed. "You know what? I have to go."  
  
"Again?"  
  
"Yeah. I'll see you."  
  
Joyce just shook her head and sighed.  
  
Night had fallen, and there was a cool breeze in the air. Buffy hugged her sweater closer to her. Everything was so confusing, but it all felt so right. It was what she wanted. Spike was what she wanted... but still...  
  
"Looking for me, love?" said a voice she was very glad to hear.  
  
She turned around and saw Spike standing there. "Where were you?" she asked.  
  
He shrugged. "Out." A smile played on his lips. "Why? Were you worried about me?"  
  
She rolled her eyes, but smiled back. "Maybe a little. It was daylight. Where did you go?"  
  
"I left last night after you fell asleep. I guess I couldn't face you in the morning."  
  
Buffy took a step closer to him. "Why?" She gazed into his blue eyes. "You're the big bad. Not supposed to be scared of me."  
  
"You're the Slayer. Not supposed to be letting me live."  
  
"Well," she said, smiling and placing her arms around him. "I like you. And I like the way you kiss me... and the way you touch me. It feels real. If I dusted you off, I wouldn't be able to feel this way." Their lips were inching closer until they locked in a heated kiss. His fingers tangled in her hair, and her heart tangled in a web of passion. She pulled away from him. "Like that."  
  
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted a voice.  
  
Buffy turned and saw Riley glaring at both of them.  
  
"Riley," she said, sighing. "Please don't..."  
  
"Why are you kissing him?" he demanded, grabbing hold of her arm.  
  
"Hey! Sod off! She's not your woman," shouted Spike, having a bit of a gleeful look on his face.  
  
"Spike," she said, turning to him. "Can I talk to Riley alone?"  
  
He glared at her. "What is this? You're using me again?"  
  
"I wasn't! I never..." she stopped. "Please," she added in a softer tone.  
  
Spike just stared at her some more and then stormed off.  
  
"I knew there was something between you two!" Riley yelled at her. "Not getting married, huh? Well then what the hell were you doing kissing him?"  
  
"Riley, please." She looked up at him. "I'm sorry. There just wasn't anything between us. You and me, I mean. It's not... anything. We were never together. Not really."  
  
"Oh, so you'd rather be with the undead than the living."  
  
Buffy gritted her teeth. "Please don't make this harder than it already is. I don't want us to be enemies. I don't even know much of anything right now. All I know is that I really like being with Spike." She gave him a small smile. "I don't mean to hurt you."  
  
Riley sighed. "I don't know what to say."  
  
She nodded. "Please, please don't tell the Initiative."  
  
He shook his head. "I won't. Just because I trust you. And for some time, I did love you."  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  
  
"He's a vampire," Riley said.  
  
"I know."  
  
"Look, I have to go. I can't talk about this right now." He glanced at her and then turned to walk away. "It's your life. And it's your decision." Then he left.  
  
"Slayer?" Spike was coming towards her. "What happened?"  
  
"Were you listening?"  
  
He grinned. "Maybe."  
  
Buffy sighed. "I need a long night's sleep. I'm just gonna fall into my bed and have a nice sleep. No Riley, no troubles." What if Riley told the Initiative? Or what if he told her friends? She shook her head. "Life sucks," she said. "Well mine does, at least."

* * *

Sorry for the lack of update lately. I've been kinda lazy. Lol... and sorry for the somewhat crappy chapter. I just had to get Riley out of the picture, cause he was bugging me. I don't hate Riley, I just don't like him much either. More Spuffiness coming! Thanks for the reviews!


	12. Sweetest Sin

**Chapter Twelve   
Sweetest Sin  
**  
Buffy walked through the cemetery. It was Monday night. She sighed. Everything seemed to be blurring in front of her. Literally. She blinked and tears ran down her face. Why was she crying now? She had gotten what she wanted, hadn't she? It was what she wanted, right? All day she couldn't get her mind off of Spike, but did she actually love him? It was all just too much. Too much for her to think about.  
  
If it was him that made her feel so good inside, why was she feeling so much pain?  
  
Can you imagine us   
Making love   
The way it would feel the first time that we touch   
Can you think of it   
The way I dream of it   
I want you to see it like I'm seeing it   
It's a picture of perfection   
The vision of you and I  
  
Your lips upon my lips   
Can you just picture this   
Your fingertips on my fingertips   
Your skin upon my skin  
Would be the sweetest sin   
That would be the sweetest sin  
  
All night I lie awake   
Cause it's too much to take   
Dreaming about the love we could make   
All day I think of schemes   
To get you next to me   
I want you so bad that I can barely breathe   
It's a sign of my obsession   
That I can't stop thinking bout  
  
Your lips upon my lips   
Can you just picture this   
Your fingertips on my fingertips   
Your skin upon my skin  
Would be the sweetest sin   
You are the sweetest sin  
  
Your lips upon my lips   
Can you envision it   
Temptation I could never resist   
Your skin upon my skin  
Would be the sweetest sin   
Would be the sweetest sin  
  
It would feel so good   
To be so bad   
You don't know how bad   
I want that   
I would do anything to feel  
  
Your lips upon my lips   
Can you just picture this   
Your fingertips on my fingertips   
Your skin upon my skin  
Would be the sweetest sin   
Would be the sweetest sin  
  
Your lips upon my lips   
Your fingertips on my fingertips   
Your skin upon my skin   
Would be the sweetest sin  
  
--- Jessica Simpson  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and hugged her sweater closer to her. Maybe it was true. Love and pain had to come hand in hand. Only the most intense relationships were full of passion and hate and desire and love and pain all at the same time.  
  
Guess she wasn't going on the car ride with Riley anymore. Oh well. Like she really cared about that. Being with Riley felt very... incomplete. Yet being with Spike felt so wrong. But there was this temptation that she just couldn't fight off. When she was with him, all she wanted to do was get lost in his touch.  
  
Suddenly she sensed someone behind her. It was Spike. "Hey," he said softly to her as she turned around.  
  
She didn't reply. What was she supposed to say? What was she going to do next? She didn't even know if Spike cared about her at all. And could she actually love something so soulless, so evil, and so dead? Was it right? No. But it felt good.  
  
"Spike," she managed to say in a soft voice.  
  
"Slayer," he said, his blue eyes glistening. "I don't know how to say this, but I'm just gonna let it out." He took a deep breath, though he really didn't need it, and said, "You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut, in my throat. I'm drowning in you, Summers. I'm drowning in you. I know you feel something, because I feel it too every time you're near me. There's something there. Something good. Something real."  
  
Buffy just stared at him.  
  
"I love you," he finally said. Seeing that Buffy wasn't saying anything, he continued, "Don't know how. Don't know why. But I love you. God Buffy, I love you so much."  
  
Buffy wanted to throw herself in his arms and cry and laugh all at the same time. But she didn't. She just stood there, staring at him.  
  
"I have to go," she whispered. "I-I can't. I have to go."  
  
With that, she ran away from him and headed home. Spike loved her. That's what he said. He said he loved her... and he meant it. She could tell. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her. She wanted to scream it over and over again.  
  
When she reached her porch, she waited a moment before opening the door. Suddenly someone grabbed her shoulder. She turned around and saw Spike giving her a concerned look. "You okay, Slayer?" he asked.  
  
She gazed back at him for a moment, and then they locked their lips in a passionate kiss.  
  
How could she resist when being with Spike was the sweetest sin?

* * *

Okies... sorry I haven't updated in a while. Like I said on my other ficcy, our computer's been really screwed up and we just got it fixed. So anywayz, hope you enjoy the chapter! Please review and make my day :)

Julia


	13. Kissing Good Thinking Bad

**Chapter Thirteen   
Kissing Good. Thinking Bad.  
**  
"So I told him he was crazy for being with Anya, and he was just like whatever. I mean what does he see in her?" Willow was talking to Buffy. The two of them were at the dorm, having a girl's night. "Personally, I'd rather him be with that Inca Mummy Girl than her." Willow stopped. "No wait... I wouldn't. She was kinda scary. Plus she tried to kiss me and kill me, so no I'd prefer Anya." Willow glanced at Buffy, who had a faraway look on her face. "Are you okay?"  
  
Buffy snapped out of it and looked at Willow. "Huh?"  
  
"Did you hear anything I just said?"  
  
"You said something?"  
  
Willow laughed. "Okay, Buffy. What's up?"  
  
"Nothing. Nothing's up," Buffy immediately replied. Truly, she was thinking about what Spike had said to her a couple days ago.  
  
"Something's up. You're being all distanty and secretive. What's going on?" Willow suddenly gasped. "Is it Riley? Oh my God, did something happen with him? And you didn't tell me? What kind of friend are you?"  
  
Buffy gave her a small smile. "No, not Riley. I'm not going to be seeing him."  
  
"Okay. Now I'm confused. I thought you liked Riley."  
  
"I don't anymore. In fact, I don't think we'll be seeing each other at all anymore," Buffy continued. "It's an Initiative thing," she added.  
  
"Really? What happened?"  
  
Spike happened. Buffy just sighed. "I'm not sure," she lied.  
  
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Buffy got up and opened the door. It was Willow's friend, Tara. "Oh hi," she said. "Tara, right?"  
  
"Yeah," Tara replied, smiling shyly. "U-um, is Willow home?"  
  
"Oh Tara!" Willow stood up, looking a little nervous. "Hi. I didn't know you'd be coming over."  
  
"It's Christmas break, and I wasn't sure if you'd be here," Tara replied. She looked over at Willow and then back at Buffy. "I'm s-sorry if I interrupted something. I'll go."  
  
"Oh no it's fine," Buffy said, smiling. "Want to come in?"  
  
Tara smiled back. "Sure." She walked over to the bed and sat down next to Willow.  
  
Just as Buffy was about to close the door, someone put a hand on it, preventing her from doing so. She looked up and saw Spike staring down at her.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she hissed.  
  
"Just visiting my favorite Slayer," Spike replied, letting himself in. "After all, not quite ready to go back to Giles yet."  
  
"Slayer?" Tara said.  
  
Spike sat down on the bed opposite of Willow and Tara. "Vampire Slayer," Willow answered. "You know, Buffy's the Vampire Slayer."  
  
"Are you just going around telling everybody now?" Buffy said while closing the door and sitting on her bed, trying to stay away from Spike. "Not that I have a problem with that. It's just—"  
  
"Oh Tara knows about vampires and stuff," Willow replied.  
  
"Well good. No secrets then," Spike spoke up, giving Buffy a look.  
  
"No secrets," Buffy laughed.  
  
"Nope," Willow said. "None." She gave Tara an uneasy glance.  
  
"No secrets," Tara said.  
  
The four of them stared at each other.  
  
"How do you two know each other?" asked Tara.  
  
"Who? Us?" Buffy pointed to her and Spike. "Oh we work together. You know. With the um, slaying and stuff."  
  
"Sometimes we do more than that," Spike added, smirking just a little.  
  
Buffy kicked him, but nobody else seemed to notice. "He means sometimes don't just slay, we also um... talk to demons and stuff. You know, question them. Like in bars."  
  
"Demons have bars?" Tara said. Buffy just nodded, and everything was quiet again.  
  
"So," Buffy suddenly said. "Spike, we've got that thing to do."  
  
"What thing?"  
  
"That thing!" she said loudly. "The thing we have to do."  
  
"You two have a thing?" Willow asked.  
  
Buffy laughed loudly. "Oh! Haha. No, not like that kind of thing. It's um..."  
  
"Yeah, what kind of thing do we exactly have, love?" Spike said, eyeing his sort of kind of in a way girlfriend.  
  
"Slaying," Buffy immediately said. "Slaying thing. No other thing like that kind of thing. Just slaying stuff." She grabbed Spike. "And we really should be off."  
  
"Okay, well I guess I'll see you later," Willow said to Buffy.  
  
Once Buffy and Spike were out of the room, Buffy rammed him against the wall. "What are you doing here?" she demanded.  
  
He laughed. "No need to get violent, Slayer. Not that I don't like it."  
  
She dropped her hands and sighed. "Fine, Spike. What do you want?"  
  
"Like I said, a little time with my favorite Slayer."  
  
"Okay, fine. You've got me alone. Happy?"  
  
"Not yet," Spike said softly, leaning down to kiss her on the lips. She didn't protest as they shared a gentle kiss. "I love you," he whispered.  
  
She didn't say anything. Sometimes she just wished he wouldn't have to say those words so that they could continue kissing or doing whatever they were doing. Did he have to be so soulful about it? She thought about that word. Soulful. Spike didn't have a soul, but he really was very soulful at times.  
  
"Pet?"  
  
"I'm fine," Buffy whispered. She looked up into his blue eyes. "Do you really mean that?"  
  
"What? That I love you?"  
  
She looked down again.  
  
"You think I don't mean it? You think I like the feelings I've been having? You're the bloody Slayer, I'm a vampire. Not supposed to be having these buggered up feelings. Not supposed to be loving you. But I do. So when I say that I love you, it's true. You bloody better believe it."  
  
Buffy didn't say anything. She just kissed him again, not wanting to admit to herself that she might be falling in love with Spike too. Maybe she was ashamed. After all, he was soulless. But if he loved her so much, what was so wrong with her loving him back?  
  
No more thinking, she thought to herself. Just kissing. Kissing good. Thinking bad.

* * *

Another chappy for your reading pleasure :) lol. and NO the story is not over. still got lots more... Anywayz, Buffy's a little confused right now. Okay, so please review!!! And I will be very happy and i will update faster! See it only took a day this time :) Hehe.

Julia


	14. Empty Nights

**Chapter Fourteen   
Empty Nights  
**  
Night at the Bronze. Buffy, Willow, and Tara were all sitting together at one table. Xander and Anya were on the dance floor, dancing.  
  
"They're quite the couple, aren't they?" Willow said loudly over the music. "I just don't know what's up with all the sex talk." She stopped and made a disgusted face. "Never mind. I don't want to know. Whatever Xander and Anya are doing together... it's not my business."  
  
"Exactly," Buffy replied. "I mean, so what if Xander chose an ex-demon? Some people even have demons for boyfriends. Or girlfriends."  
  
"Like you, for example," Willow said.  
  
Buffy looked horrified. "What?"  
  
"You know. Angel."  
  
Buffy laughed nervously. "Oh right. Yeah. But he's the only demon."  
  
"Buffy dated a demon?" Tara asked.  
  
"Oh but he was a good demon," Willow immediately replied. "He was a vampire with a soul. Buffy would never love a soulless vampire."  
  
All this talk just made Buffy feel worse. Now, and her friends didn't know it, she was sort of dating a vampire without a soul. Or it wasn't really dating... because actually dating meant that her friends knew about it. But they didn't. She had to hide her relationship with Spike from everyone.  
  
"Hey guys!" shouted Anya. She and Xander had come back. "That was really fun. Why aren't you three dancing?"  
  
"Well we don't have anyone to dance with," Buffy replied.  
  
"You have each other!"  
  
Willow and Tara exchanged a look. "Oh we don't feel like dancing, do we Buff?" Willow said, laughing.  
  
"Well I'm going to get a drink," Xander said. "Anyone want anything?"  
  
"Water please," Willow said.  
  
"Buffy? Anything?"  
  
She didn't answer.  
  
"Buffy, are you okay?"  
  
"Huh?" Buffy plastered on a fake smile. "Oh yeah. I'm great." She stood up and pulled on her coat. "Actually I'm going to go out for a minute. Get some fresh air." She walked out the Bronze, pulling her coat tighter to her.  
  
"What's up with her lately?" asked Anya.  
  
Outside, Buffy started walking when all of a sudden she could feel his presence behind her. It was like her heart and body and soul was longing for him. "Spike," she said, without even turning around.  
  
"Slayer," he replied, walking towards her.  
  
"I-I need to go," she said.  
  
"Now wait just a minute." Spike immediately ran in front of her so that they were facing each other. "You aren't going to run away from me again."  
  
"I just need to patrol," Buffy replied.  
  
"Then I'll come with," he said, smirking.  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine."  
  
Buffy groaned in frustration and walked towards the cemetery with Spike following close behind. Suddenly the two of them heard a girl scream from far away.  
  
"Thank you!" Buffy yelled and ran towards the scream. It wasn't coming from the cemetery... instead it was coming from a near street. Buffy looked and saw three vampires cornering a girl.  
  
"Hey!" Buffy crossed her arms with a stake in one hand. The three vampires turned and stared at her. "Knew I'd get your attention," she said. "Every time it's the same thing." She started pacing. "Me go save some poor helpless girl from getting bitten. What is up with the vamps here anyway? Most of them are guys, and they all feed on the girls. Hm. Interesting."  
  
"Excuse me? We're trying to feed here," one of the vamps said.  
  
"Yeah. About that. I'd advise you not to."  
  
"Or what?"  
  
Buffy pretended to look thoughtful. "Oh I don't know... how about this?" She threw a stake, and it shot right into one vamp's heart. The two other vamps angrily ran towards her and started attacking her.  
  
The girl sank down against the wall and watched as Buffy fought the vamps. Then Spike arrived on the scene. Once the other two vampires had gotten dusty, Buffy and Spike started walking home.  
  
"Wait!" the girl shouted. "Thank you."  
  
Buffy smiled. "No problem."  
  
"Okay, you've gotten your share of violence for the night," Spike said, once they were on their way back to Buffy's house. "What are you planning on doing now?"  
  
Buffy sighed. "Spike... no."  
  
"Come on... we haven't had a good tumble for a while now."  
  
"That's all it is to you, isn't it?" Buffy said exasperatedly, turning to face him.  
  
"No," Spike replied, putting a hand on her face. "I love you for what you are, Buffy. Not what you do. Well, bloody hell. I love what you do." He gave her a grin. "And we can do it again, tonight."  
  
"Let's just go home, okay?"  
  
Every night was the same. Buffy going out to slay some, Spike turning up for some kissage. She wanted something more real... something more true. And she had a chance at that with Spike, didn't she? She could feel something different about him. He was actually good. She could really feel that he actually loved her.  
  
They reached home, and Buffy and Spike slipped on upstairs to her room. Buffy put her slaying stuff away and then got ready to change. She cleared her throat and glared at Spike.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Turn around. And if you even try peeking, I will throw you out that window."  
  
He reluctantly turned around as Buffy changed. After, Buffy got into bed and sat there for some time, just staring emptily at nothing.  
  
"You all right, Slayer?" Spike asked, taking off his coat.  
  
"Yeah." She got up to turn off the light, and then she cozied up into bed again. She laid her head onto the pillow. She felt Spike get into the bed next to her and slip an arm around her waist. For a while, she just stared out into the darkness.  
  
Here she was, sleeping with Spike. Well, not sleeping as in that kind of sleeping. As in just lying there with Spike, feeling peaceful and whole at last. But there was an emptiness and forbidden feeling to it. Her friends would never accept her if they ever found out her relationship with Spike. The way they would look at her... she just couldn't see them looking at her like that.  
  
Finally she closed her eyes and snuggled closer to Spike. For someone so cold, he sure felt warm.


	15. Gone

**Chapter Fifteen  
Gone**

Buffy stared at her reflection in the mirror of her room. She remembered the call Giles had made to her earlier.  
  
"Buffy? Oh good you're home. You weren't answering the phone in your dormitory."  
  
"Yeah, visiting Mom for Christmas. Giles, what's up?"  
  
"I'm so sorry for the past few weeks," Giles apologized over the phone. "I know Spike must've been very, well, difficult."  
  
"What? Oh um, yeah. It was. He was... difficult."  
  
"I'm terribly sorry, Buffy."  
  
"Oh no," she immediately replied. "It was fine. Besides, kicking Spike around is always fun." She winced a little at her words. That was a little harsh.   
  
"By the way, did Willow try out any of those spells she had in mind?"  
  
"What?" Buffy said absent-mindedly.   
  
"The spells. She said if Spike was going to be staying at the dorm, she might as well try a few spells. Did she get to any of them?"  
  
"Oh. Um, no I don't think so. I-I'll ask her."  
  
"Buffy, are you all right?" Giles sounded genuinely concerned. "You don't seem to be yourself. Is something wrong?"  
  
"No! Everything's great."  
  
Buffy sighed. Everything definitely wasn't great. And that phone call had made it so much worse. She wouldn't be able to see Spike anymore. Or would she? What was Giles planning to do with him anyway? Besides, it wasn't as if Spike was providing them any information about the Commandos. They already knew about Riley being one... Buffy could always go grill Riley for information. No wait. She couldn't. After all, she and Riley had even less of a relationship than before. Whatever. She could go beat him up for information. So what was the use of Giles keeping Spike around?   
  
Why did she still want to see Spike anyway? Maybe it would be good for her if he left. Then she could get over him. Did she want to get over him? He was so sweet. Yet being with him was so sinful. Buffy groaned. All these thoughts were making her head hurt.  
  
"Buffy?"   
  
Buffy turned and saw her mother standing in the doorway. "Oh hi, Mom."  
  
"Are you all right?" Joyce asked.  
  
"Yeah," Buffy lied. "Just peachy."  
  
Joyce gave Buffy a Mom look that could clearly see beyond Buffy's lie. "And if I actually believed that, I'd be the worst mom on the planet. Buffy, are you okay?"  
  
"No!" sighed Buffy, collapsing on her bed. "Everything is all... kablooey."  
  
"Is this a Slayer thing or a different thing?" asked Joyce, sitting down next to her.  
  
"Both?"  
  
"You want Mom advice?"  
  
Buffy gave her mom an apologetic look. "Not really. I kind of want to figure this one out on my own."   
  
Joyce bowed her head and then looked back up at Buffy. "Okay then. You're a grown-up now and I should respect that." She stood up. "I guess I'll leave you alone."  
  
"Mom," Buffy said softly. "I love you, you know that?"  
  
Joyce smiled. "I do." She reached down and gave her daughter a hug. "And I will always love you no matter what you do."  
  
Buffy just smiled weakly.  
  
That night, Buffy went patrolling with Willow. "So what's been going on lately?" asked Willow. "You seem really distant."  
  
"Oh great," Buffy said sarcastically. "The distanty issue."  
  
"No! You're not distant, you're just..." Willow tried to come up with a better word. "Remote?"  
  
Buffy gave Willow a look.  
  
"Well I've had a lot to deal with," Buffy replied.   
  
"Buffy? It's Christmas."  
  
"Not technically," Buffy corrected her. "Tomorrow's Christmas. And you don't even celebrate Christmas!"  
  
Willow shrugged. "Well I can get into the Christmasy mood. Oh!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Vampire!" She pointed to a large vampire rising from the ground.  
  
Buffy immediately staked it. "Okay. So what were we talking about?"  
  
"Christmas."  
  
"Oh right. What are you doing for Christmas?" asked Buffy.  
  
"Hello! Jewish!"  
  
"Okay, right. But if you want, you can join my mom and me and um, Spike for dinner tomorrow night. Mom's cooking."  
  
Willow gave her a skeptical look. "I don't know. My parents would freak on me if they knew I was having Christmas dinner."  
  
Buffy laughed. "Well, fine. But if you change your mind, you can always come over."  
  
"Wait, did you say Spike was going to be there?"  
  
"Um, yeah," Buffy said casually. "But Giles'll take him back in a couple days."  
  
"I don't see the point in keeping Spike around. One day that chip will start working and he'll probably suck us all dry. It's not like he cares about any of us."  
  
Buffy didn't answer.  
  
It was pretty late when Buffy got back home. She opened the doors and noticed the lights were still on. That was weird. It was already after midnight. Her mom was usually asleep by now. And where was Spike?  
  
"Mom?" Buffy called.   
  
She took off her coat and started heading upstairs. "Mom? Are you here?" she called again. She went back down the stairs and saw Joyce lying on the couch of the living room. "Mom, watcha doing? It's late," she said.  
  
Joyce didn't answer. In fact, she wasn't even moving. Buffy stared at her. "Mom. Mom? Mommy?"  
  
It was silent. Buffy stared at her mother. She walked over and touched her on the face. She was cold. "Mom," she said softly. "Mom, mom, mom," she said over and over, shaking her gently. "MOM!" She shook her hard. Then she realized that Joyce wasn't breathing. Everything was spinning around in her head. Buffy ran to the phone and dialed 911.   
  
A couple hours later, Buffy was at the hospital with Willow, Xander, and Giles. The doctors told Buffy that they had examined the body, and there had been something pressing on Joyce's brain. Nobody could've known, not even Joyce. She might've had some serious headaches once in a while, but Buffy had been in college and she couldn't have known about it. Joyce just died. It was just so... sudden. And so shocking. And now Buffy had never felt so alone in her life.  
  
By the time Buffy had gotten home, it was already seven in the morning. She sat down on the couch and stared into nothing.  
  
"Buffy?" It was Spike.  
  
Buffy turned and saw him giving her a concerned look. She looked down at her hands and her lip trembled.  
  
"Is this real?" she asked him. "Is this really happening?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"She can't be gone. She can't be," Buffy whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "There's too much that... no. She's not. This isn't real. What am I going to do now?" she asked, looking up. The tears were clouding her vision. "How am I going to live? I loved her more than anything, and she's always been there for me. Oh my God. This is all my fault. If I had come home just a little earlier. If I had checked on my mom every now and then... oh God. What am I supposed to do?" The tears slipped. "I'm so alone. She's gone. She's really gone."  
  
Spike didn't say anything. He just stared at the Slayer, who was so broken up and so torn apart. 


	16. Moving On

**Chapter Sixteen  
Moving On**

"I'm sorry," said Spike.

"It's Christmas," Buffy said softly, looking out the window. The sun had already risen. "She's going to make dinner."

A knock came at the door.

Buffy slowly stood up, and Spike watched as she walked over to the door and opened it. Willow, Xander, Giles, and even Tara and Anya were standing there.

"Buffy," sighed Willow, giving her a big hug.

Giles and Xander also gave Buffy hugs, and then they all walked over to the living room.

"What is he doing here?" demanded Xander, glaring at Spike.

"You lot are still keeping me prisoner, don't you remember, you sodding git?"

"Please," Buffy sighed. "Don't."

Everybody fell quiet.

"Buffy," Giles said in a solemn voice.

"Please," Buffy said barely above a whisper. "I can't... I don't know what to do. Mom always knew what to do. This house, college, and everything. I'm so lost. You couldn't possibly understand."

Everything was silent again.

"I do," spoke up Tara. "My um, my mom died about a year ago."

"Oh. Right." Buffy replied. "I remember. You told me."

"I know what it's like," continued Tara. "F-feeling like you probably would never move on. But you will, I promise. I mean, it's not something you'll get over in a couple of days, but it'll get b-better."

"It doesn't feel that way." Buffy looked down at the ground.

Later, after everyone have left, only Spike and Buffy were in the house. "I should've been here," said Spike angrily. "I could've helped your mum. I may be a monster, but... Joyce was a nice lady."

"No. Nobody could've done anything. The doctor said... well the doctor said it was doubtful that anybody could've—" Buffy stopped. The tears started coming again.

"Buffy," sighed Spike, wrapping her in an embrace. She fell apart in his arms.

"Why do you have to be so nice to me?" Buffy cried. "I don't want you to be so... nice. Don't do this. Hate me, hurt me, just don't be so nice to me." She started punching him and kicking him, but he blocked her attacks. "Stop!" cried Buffy. "You're a vampire, you're not supposed to—"

"Buffy," whispered Spike. He forced her to stay still, and he gave her a sweet kiss on the lips. Buffy melted into his kiss and then started crying in his arms again.

A couple weeks later, Buffy had moved back into her house. Things were getting better. She was still going to college, and her mother had left a lot of money. Things were going to be all right. They would be hard, but everything was going to turn out all right.

One Friday night, Buffy returned from patrolling exhausted. She flung her slaying stuff on the couch. "Normal people go on dates with normal people on Friday nights. I have dates with undead vampires that I end up slaying."

"Well I bloody hope that's doesn't go the same for me," Spike said.

Startled, Buffy looked and saw Spike stepping out from the shadows.

"What are you doing here?" she asked him.

Spike grinned and walked closer to her. He backed her up against the door and placed his hands on the door. "Wanted to see you again," he replied.

Buffy pushed him off of her. "Okay. You see me. You can leave me now."

"Oh come on, a fellow's got to get more than that."

Buffy ignored what he just said. "So where've you been lately?" she asked.

Spike shrugged. "Found myself a nice crypt. Bit of a fixer-upper, but it'll be quite posh. You could visit sometime and we could, you know."

"No!"

"You mean no as in eventually?"

Buffy gave him a threatening look.

"Well when you want to get a little action going on in your life, you know I'll be there." He turned around and started to leave.

Buffy couldn't stop herself from calling after him. "Look I'm sorry. It's been hard. And I'm just tired."

For a minute, the two of them just stared at each other. And then Buffy said softly, "I missed you."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah you're very sorry," Buffy said ironically. "Don't you just love it when a vampire gets all apologetic? It's kind of saccharine really."

"I'm sorry about your mum," Spike said softly.

Buffy took in a shaky breath. "I don't know what to do."

"You have me."

"No I don't," whispered Buffy.

Spike let out a cold laugh. "Buffy, you will always have me. Haven't you figured it out yet? I'm the one who doesn't have you."

Buffy stared at him.

"Well seeing that I'm obviously not invited here, might as well go back. Things will get better, Slayer. I promise. Stake a few vampires here and there, and you're spirits'll be high again. See you around."

"Wait," Buffy said, walking towards him. He turned to face her, a curious expression on his face. "Can you just kiss me?" she whispered.

Spike couldn't deny a request like that. He grabbed her, pressing his lips on hers, and led her to the couch.

* * *

When Buffy opened her eyes, everything was dark. Someone was lying next to her. Spike. And he was naked.

"Oh this is just great," sighed Buffy. She looked over at Spike's figure and smiled a little. It was true. That had felt great. She really had missed Spike. Maybe she didn't love him... yet... but she liked being with him. It was different than being with Angel. It felt better even. Everything with Angel had to be so overemotional. Sometimes Buffy would come home crying or feeling like the world was about to fall to pieces. Being with Spike was just... amazing.

Buffy stared into the darkness for a long time, not wanting to wake him up. Which was hard, seeing that they were both on the couch, and it was hard to move without moving him. Then she carefully moved over him and searched on the ground for her clothes. After she had slipped some things on, a hand grabbed her and she fell underneath a cold, hard body.

"Uh, hi," Buffy said, squirming underneath him.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Trying to get all my clothes on. And if you would please get off of me, I could continue doing that."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because that would be the nice thing to do."

"I'm not nice," Spike murmured, kissing her neck.

Buffy squirmed some more. "Of course not. You're a bad, bad vampire. Now get off or else I'll kick you off."

Reluctantly, Spike rolled off of her. "Spoil all the fun, Slayer," Spike said in a disappointed voice. Buffy could almost see a pout on his face. She grinned into the darkness.

Buffy suddenly sat up. "I have to go. I have class today."

"No you don't. It's Saturday."

Buffy sighed. How did he remember all the days of the week? "Fine, fine. I don't have classes. But I do have to do that thing with Willow. So I'll be back later."

She could see Spike's figure sitting up to face her. "You actually think you can avoid me, Slayer? Sweetheart, we're going to have a great Saturday together. Lazying around, making with the merry. It's going to be good times."

"NO it's not," Buffy hissed.

"Oh just try and resist me," Spike said, and even through the darkness Buffy could see the smirk on his face.

"Stupid vampire," muttered Buffy.

* * *

SOO sorry guys I haven't written in forever... school starting... blah blah blah... crap like that. I've been so freakin busy... but HERE is another chappy and I hope you're happy!! I'll try and update this and my other story ASAP!

Julia


	17. Coming Clean

**Chapter Seventeen  
Coming Clean**

One week later, Buffy was still low in spirits, but she was feeling better than she had felt so far since her mother had passed away. Death was never an easy thing for her, but Joyce's death seemed to hit her harder than any death before. Other than the fact that she was her own mother, maybe it was because it was natural, and it was so sudden and unexpected. She was the one who had loved Buffy no matter what. Yet life would go on, and she'd still have Joyce in her heart. Always.

Buffy was walking down the hallway of a building in UCS when a voice called behind her. "Hey! Buffy, wait up!"

She turned around and saw Willow running up to her.

"Oh hey," Buffy said, smiling. "What's going on?"

Willow smiled back. "I feel like I haven't talked to you in a long time. Well ever since…" she hesitated.

"It's okay, Willow. You can say it."

"Well since your mom died."

Buffy tried ignoring the pain. "Yeah, we really haven't," she said.

"Is everything okay?"

Buffy sighed. She wanted to tell Willow everything. How hard it was to move on, how she was sleeping with Spike, how everything was so stressful. She wanted a friend… but her mind just couldn't make her mouth speak the words. She was ashamed for one thing, and she just couldn't tell Willow. She just couldn't.

"Yeah," Buffy finally said. "Everything's great."

Willow looked uncertain, but she finally nodded. "Okay. I love you, you know that?"

"I know," Buffy said softly. "Thank you."

"Well I have to get to class. I'll see you later, okay?"

Buffy smiled gratefully at her and watched as Willow walked off into the crowd. Buffy held her books close to her and took in a deep breath. She hated keeping secrets and lying to everyone. It felt awful.

And why was she not willing to spill about Spike? Okay, sure. He was a bad, evil vampire. But if what she had with him was real… if whatever they had between them was really real, then why couldn't she just come clean?

Buffy groaned out loud.

That evening, she reached home and threw her stuff on her couch. Exhausted, she let out a soft groan and leaned against the doorway. Her head hurt too much to even think about anything. But all her mind was screaming to her was thoughts about Spike. Why the hell couldn't she get him off of her mind? It was driving her insane… but the strange thing was thinking about Spike gave her this satisfying peace. She collapsed onto the couch and closed her eyes. She could already feel that he was close to her… and there was so much wanting for him to just take her away into another world. Away from reality. There was too much she had to deal with… too much she didn't want to face. And at the same time, she knew it was wrong to feel this way. It would be using him. And she wouldn't do that. But she wasn't ready to commit… to love him.

She felt a hand touch her shoulder and she smiled.

"Spike…" she said in a soft voice. "I'm kind of trying to rest here." She opened her eyes and watched as he leaned down to give her a kiss.

"That's what I'm here for."

"What the hell does that mean?" Buffy said, staring up at him. Then she realized what he was insinuating. "Oh. Is that all you vampires think about? The sex and the blood and the hurt."

"I seem to recall you asking that question before, Slayer."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Yeah well. You kind of give people that impression."

"Hello, undead here." Spike sank into the spot next to her. "I'm evil. I'm supposed to be all for the… stuff you mentioned."

"Fine. Whatever. Can you just let me rest now?"

"Nope, not getting off that easy, sweetheart."

Buffy sighed. "Spike, please."

The blonde vampire gave in and stood up. "All right then. You sure make it obvious when you don't want a fellow around. Clearly, whatever we have means nothing to you… and I might as well get the hell out of your way."

Whatever we have… the words echoed in Buffy's brain.

"See you around, pet," Spike muttered and started to walk off.

"Spike, you didn't get what I meant. I didn't mean for you to leave. I just wanted us to stop talking or arguing or whatever we were doing. I just… can you just stay here?" she asked softly. "Stay with me?"

Spike's gaze pierced through her heart and seemed to stare at her for what seemed like forever. Then he whispered, "Always."

By the time Buffy awoke, it was already black. She blinked her eyes, but it made no difference. She moved away from Spike and stood up, her Slayer senses guiding her in the darkness. She flipped on a switch and saw Spike still sleeping peacefully on the couch.

Buffy smiled a little and then checked a clock. It was only eight o'clock. She sighed and stared out the window. Grabbing a light jacket, she left the house to do a quick patrol.

But instead of patrolling, she found herself walking towards her old dorm she used to share with Willow. As she reached Stevenson, she walked through the familiar halls, remembering old times. She arrived at the dorm room and was about to knock when she heard two voices inside.

"Maybe Willow got a new dorm mate," Buffy said a little sadly. It felt like all her friends were moving on without her. She knocked on the door.

Suddenly it fell quiet, and it took a while for Willow to open the door. When she did, a surprised look flooded her face. "Hi Buffy! I didn't expect you to be um, dropping in."

Buffy smiled weakly. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," Willow replied a little hesitantly. She opened the door a little wider to reveal Tara inside.

"Hey," Buffy greeted Tara, stepping inside the room.

"So, what brings you here, Buff? I thought you were living at home."

"Nobody said I couldn't visit," Buffy replied. "Is everything all right? I mean, you don't mind me coming, do you?"

Buffy could've sworn she saw Willow glance at Tara for the briefest moment. "Uh, no."

"Okay… because I was kind of wanting to talk to you. Alone."

Tara nodded and headed towards the door. "I understand. I um… I'll just be g-g-going. I'll see you, Willow."

Willow smiled. "Bye Tara." She closed the door behind her and then faced Buffy with a concerned look. "Is everything okay?'

"Yeah," Buffy said at first. "Actually, no. You remember that spell you accidentally cast a few weeks ago? The one that caused me and Spike to almost get married?"

Willow smiled weakly. "Um yeah. And by the way, I'm still really sorry about that."

"Could you just check to see if there were any… aftermathy consequences?" Buffy asked.

"Oh um, sure, but I already checked before," Willow said lightly, smiling. "You'll be glad to know that you and Spike should both have 100 your usual loathing resentment. That spell has completely rubbed off."

"Could you just check again?" Buffy asked hopefully.

"Um, sure Buff. But there really isn't anything."

"There has to be." Buffy's vision started to blur. Not being able to control herself, a tear escaped her eye and ran down her left cheek. Then another tear slipped down her right. Buffy looked down, trying hard not to sob.

"Oh!" Willow immediately said seeing Buffy's tears. "Oh Buffy don't cry. I'll check it. In fact I'll double check it."

"It has to be the spell. It just has to be. I-it can't be real. I can't actually be feeling these things," Buffy whispered to herself.

"Feeling what things?" Willow had a confused look on her face. She stared at Buffy some more, soaking in what she had just said. Then a look of realization fell upon her face. "Oh."

Buffy looked up at her friend and gave her a pleading look. "Tell me it's the spell. Please," she said, her voice starting to choke. "Why else would I be… why else would I feel so much for him? God… you must think I'm a huge slut."

"No! No, Buffy. I mean, we all have secrets that we're not exactly proud of…" Willow trailed off. "But maybe in the end, it's the right thing to do. If he makes you feel right, maybe you should go with your heart."

"I don't know what my heart is telling me to do."

Willow gave her a reassuring smile. "Look, maybe it's just the spell. I can check it out. Don't worry, I'm sure everything will turn out okay. Everything always turns out okay."

"Please don't tell anyone," Buffy whispered.

"Oh no. I would never."

For a moment, the two of them just sat there. Buffy stared at Willow's bedspread, not wanting to look back up at her friend. It was so embarrassing and horrifying, yet at the same time it wasn't so bad at all. The moment she had spilled, relief washed through her in an instant.

"What if it's real?" Buffy said softly.

Silence again. What was so bad about it anyway? He was just a vampire. A soulless, dirty, evil vampire… that could make her feel so good inside. Every time she was with him, the whole world went away and all she felt was truth and passion. Wasn't that a good thing?

"Do you love him?"

Buffy continued to stare at the bedspread. Two voices inside her head were battling against each other, neither winning the fight. One side of her was trying to say YES she loved him so much. She wanted to be with him without having to hide. Every moment she was thinking about him and the way he made her feel. The other side was yelling no. She didn't love him. She just couldn't love him.

"How could I?" Buffy finally said. "He's not… he doesn't even have a soul."

"Well love can be… complicated."

Buffy smiled. "I guess it is." She looked up at her friend. "God look at me. I'm crying over Spike. Two years ago I was kicking his ass every chance I got. Maybe you're right. I mean… I guess with love there comes the pain and the hurt. That's what a relationship needs, right? The fire has to come from the aching. There's nothing nice or safe about love. It's not running through the fields picking daisies. Love is never simple. There's pain… a lot of pain… because that's what makes love so powerful and so raw. It has to be about the passion. Without passion, we would be dead."

* * *

Oh wow I haven't written in FOREVER. Ughh school sucks. But luckily winter break is coming up so I will have more time to write :) Anyway I hope you enjoy the chappy! Please review!!

Julia


	18. Cemetery Talk

**Chapter Eighteen  
Cemetery Talk**

By February, Sunnydale was still as warm as ever. They might have been a cool breeze in the air every now and then, but things were still California-ish.

Buffy walked through a local cemetery with a stake in her hand, patrolling like usual. The air was fresh, and the wind whipped through her long, blonde hair. She twirled her stake around a few times and then suddenly stopped short in her tracks. Someone was following her. She immediately whipped around and threw up her stake.

"Wow, you almost looked terrifying there." Spike grinned at her.

"Hey," she said in a happy voice, closing her eyes and kissing him briefly on the lips. She looked up into his eyes and flashed him a smile. "You know, we're getting to be really couply lately. Might have to do something about that."

Spike stared at her.

"What?" Buffy frowned. "What?" she said a little louder.

"You're glowing."

"Am not," she immediately replied without even thinking. "I mean… really?" She smiled some more and a flush crept over her face. "Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like the way you do," Buffy replied, placing a hand delicately on his face. "The way you make me weak in the knees. The way you make me want you. That look that makes me want to do this…" she leaned up and gave him a gentle kiss. They both closed their eyes and gave into their wants.

"And you want me to stop looking at you that way?"

Buffy smiled shyly. "Well, no not really."

"You're a bad Slayer."

"Am not. I'm a good Slayer."

"A good Slayer that's been screwing around with an evil, hot vampire."

Buffy groaned softly. She hated the way he could make her feel so insecure. And she hated how he made her feel as if he were the only one who could fill that insecurity. She sighed. "Spike…"

"Okay, okay," he said softly. "Sorry."

"No I'm sorry. I know I get cranky really easily. It's just that…"

"I really know how to pull your strings, don't I?"

She kissed him again. "Every… last… one."

Spike growled a little. With one arm, he pulled her up against him and murmured in a low voice, "Slayer."

She was breathing louder and harder. The way he could make her feel… it was driving her insane. Just one touch from him could make her skin hum with longing. She swallowed hard, trying to resist. But her heart was controlling her mind, and nothing made sense anymore… "Maybe you should go with your heart…" the words of Willow were echoing in her brain.

"Spike," she whispered.

"Buffy."

"Tell me you love me."

Spike pulled away from her just a little bit. "I love you."

Those three words could melt her heart away. Hearing Spike say them made all the worry go away. All the darkness parted, and the warmth flooded in. Her face glowed with honesty and confidence. She took in a deep breath. This was it. She could sense the feeling surging and sparking inside. She couldn't lie to herself any longer. This was the man she wanted to be with no matter what circumstances. He made her feel like nobody ever made her feel before. "Spike, I…" suddenly all the warmth faded as she swallowed the words down. "I can't."

"Can't what?"

"Say it."

His curious blue eyes were staring into her own confused green ones. "Say what?" he asked. If his heart could beat, it would be pounding right about now.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"No, I don't. You tell me."

"Spike!" she cried in frustration.

He shrugged. "I really don't."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I'm being serious here."

"So am I."

The two of them just stood there, glaring at each other for a moment. Then Spike took her in his arms, and she let out a soft whimper. "How do you make me feel this way?" she sighed.

"Don't know, pet. How do you make me feel like a man instead of a monster?"

Buffy glanced up at him. "Really? I make you feel that way?"

He nodded.

"Oh."

"Buffy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Oh." Buffy stepped away a little and started walking around. "Oh God. I can't do this. I mean—" She looked up at Spike. "Okay… can you just not say those things? I'm just trying to be honest with myself here, but you're making it really hard."

"Um, ok love."

Buffy sighed and buried her face in her hands. All this thinking was giving her a headache. Why couldn't things ever be simple? _Because that's what love is._ But was this love? She remembered her little speech back in Willow's dorm. "Okay," she whispered to herself. "I just have to… follow my heart."

"Buffy?"

"Just let me think, okay?"

"No… there's a demon."

"Wha?" Buffy looked up and felt a kick from behind. "Oh great. This is just what I need."

An ugly, brownish gray, rough-skinned demon was standing over Buffy and trying to crush her.

"A little help here!" Buffy cried, pushing the demon up with her hands.

Spike kicked the demon off of her and started fighting it off. Soon he had fought his way out of Buffy's sight. "Spike!" she yelled after him, but no answer. She got up and ran towards the direction Spike had been fighting the demon. Spike was nowhere to be seen. She stopped, closed her eyes, and breathed in deep. Her Slayer senses were tingling, and she heard faint screaming from her left. Opening her alert eyes, she ran towards the screaming. She saw the demon standing over an unconscious Spike.

"Hey!" she yelled at it. "Don't mess with my uh… well, he's not exactly my boyfriend… he's just the guy I kiss a lot and um… do certain things with… and— well that's not the point. The point is I get to do this." She ran up and jumped on the demon, managing to get her hands on its head. In one quick motion, she snapped his head and the creature fell dead on the ground.

She dropped down and placed a warm hand on Spike's face. He moved a little and then opened his eyes. "Buffy?"

"Hey you," she said, smiling. "What was that? Spike got his ass kicked by a wittle demon?"

"That was anything but little! You see that thing? It was bloody—"

"Knocking the life out of you?"

"Bollocks! I was just… playing dead."

"Honey, you are dead."

"Undead, thank you very much," he replied, sitting up.

"What was that though?"

Spike shrugged. "Probably just another demon."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah. There's my nightly sharing of Hellmouthy goodness."

A grin played on Spike's face. "So… what do you want to do now?"

"Oh not what you're thinking. I'm tired. And I need to go home."

"I'll go with you."

Buffy hesitated for a moment and then gave him a genuine smile. "Okay. But we're not… going to do anything. You can't just expect that I'm going to want to do stuff with you every night—"

Spike shut her up by giving her a long kiss leaving her breathless.

"You just have to make this hard, don't you?" she pouted.

"Every time."

Buffy grinned up at him. She slipped her arm through his and then headed home. Those three little words could wait…

* * *

YAY!! Update!! More Spuffiness for ya. Ooey gooey stuff. 

And please review!! I don't care if you say bad things or good things, just comment so I can improve my writing or whatever. Good reviews equal more chappies and faster updates :)

Julia


	19. Truth

**Chapter Nineteen  
Truth**

"Spike, where are we going?" Buffy demanded. Spike had blindfolded Buffy and was now leading her through the streets of Sunnydale to who knows where. "Don't even know why I put up to this."

"Do you trust me?" he whispered in her ear.

"Umm, kind of?"

"I wouldn't hurt you, Buffy. I just want to surprise you."

They stopped walking. The blindfold lifted, and Buffy found herself staring at the inside of a beautiful little restaurant. It was dim and antique with beautiful chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. The place had an elegant feel to it with its dark carpets and ornamental paintings. She gasped a little and then looked over at Spike. "Wow… this is nice. I didn't think you were into this kind of thing."

Spike shrugged. "You have a lot to learn about me."

Buffy couldn't help smiling. "Wow," she breathed. She closed her eyes and took in the scent of the place. "It smells so good."

"I know."

"Wait, aren't you a vampire?"

Spike raised his eyebrows and laughed. "All this time you've known me, pet. You haven't noticed?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I mean, how can you eat this stuff?"

"Trust me. The food here is so good even vampires can eat it. And the beer here is actually decent."

"Spike?" a waiter came up to them.

"Hey Willy."

Buffy's eyes widened and she stared at the waiter. "Willy??"

"Oh it's the Slayer!" Willy said, laughing. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"How have you been doing?"

Willy gestured to the restaurant. "Working for some really nice people here."

"He's the reason that vampires sometimes eat here," Spike added. "Thanks a bunch, Willy. Got to say you used to really piss me off, but we're okay now."

Willy chuckled nervously. "Um, so you want your table now?"

He led Buffy and Spike to a separate room. Candles were lit everywhere. The room smelled pleasantly of vanilla sugar. She sat down at the table and Spike sat down across from her.

"You are the weirdest vampire I have ever met," Buffy remarked.

Spike leaned across the table, his eyes burning into hers. "That's why you love me, right?"

Buffy blushed. "Well I have to give you points for taking me out on a normal date. It's a nice change from all the demons and the darkness."

"Just can't admit it can you?"

She changed the subject. "So… what's the food like here anyway?"

Spike sighed and leaned back in his chair.

* * *

"Wow," Buffy said, eating the last bite of chocolate truffle cake. "Mmm that is delicious. Chocolatey goodness." She put a hand on her stomach. "I think I ate too much. Now my stomach's all hurting." Buffy stared over at Spike, who was gazing at her with loving eyes. They were actually doing boyfriendy girlfriendy things. What did this mean?

"Spike. Have you noticed that we're on a date?"

"Uh yeah. Did kind of notice that."

"It's weird."

Spike had a look of agreement on his face. "You want to go home now?"

Home. He made it sound as if it were _their_ home. Which was true in a way. He was there all the time.

"Okay," she said.

They walked all the way home with their arms linked and bodies close together. They talked and laughed as if this were the thing they did every night.

"Were you really at the Bronze that night?" Buffy asked. "I mean, were you really watching me? Yeah I remember seeing you outside saying you'd kill me on Saturday. But were you really watching me dance?"

"Yeah. I thought you looked hot when you danced."

"Really? Even when you were evil?"

"Hey!" he said in a defensive voice. "I'm still evil."

"Oh right," Buffy said sarcastically. "Taking a Slayer out on a nice, romantic date and then walking her home like this… very evil-like."

"Just because I have a damn chip up my brain doesn't mean I'm still evil. I still get my rocks off fighting demons."

"Oh pfft! Whatever! That's just a pathetic excuse to say that you're incompetent. Face it, Spikey. You're not a vampire anymore."

"Oh you're asking for it," he snarled. He grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her hard on the lips. She responded by pulling her arms around him and kissing back just as hard.

"Buffy," he said in a soft voice.

"Noo…" she whimpered.

"No what?"

Since when did he get so sweet? Vampires were not supposed to be this way. They were supposed to piss her off and she'd be able to fight 'em and stake 'em.

"You're making me happy."

"And that's a bad thing?"

She stuck out her lower lip. "Yes," she whispered. "I'm scared." All of a sudden she looked like a lost little girl.

"Buffy…"

"I am. Ever since she left… nothing has been right. What if it all happens again? What if I lose you?"

What on earth was happening to her? She felt so weak and insecure, and the only time she felt truly safe was when she was with Spike. Sure she could fight off demons, vampires, any evil thing that was thrown at her… but emotionally she couldn't survive without Spike anymore.

"The things you do, the words you say, the way you make me feel," she sighed, gazing into his eyes. "Whether we're fighting or getting along. When you're with me or when you're away. Every moment, every day, every night, I'm thinking about you. I can't stop thinking about you. It's like nothing really matters anymore. Spike… I'm falling in love with you."

* * *

Hey I updated all three stories in one night. Go me :)

Feedback would be very nice.


	20. Getting There

**Chapter Twenty  
Getting There**

Well at least she said something.

_I'm falling in love with you_. The words echoed in Spike's brain as he watched his Slayer sleep peacefully in his arms. How had things happened so quickly? One minute they were hating each others souls, the next they were under some spell, and all of a sudden here they were. Together. Maybe in love.

And he loved her. He loved her more than anything.

Spike hadn't even slept one moment. Well first off, he was a vampire and they usually slept in the day. But he didn't want to sleep. He wanted this moment to last forever. If Buffy woke up and started using him as her punching bag again, it would hurt him more than he could ever say. At least if he laid here with her in his arms, she'd be his a little longer. He kissed her gently on the cheek.

Buffy snuggled in closer to him.

Satisfied, Spike finally let himself get to sleep. He was drowning in her scent, her touch, and he never wanted it to end.

* * *

The morning sunrays reached Buffy's bed, and a small fire caught on Spike's leg. Spike murmured sleepily and tossed over in his sleep. Suddenly, feeling something burning on his leg, he opened his eyes and realized he was catching on fire.

"AHHHHH!" he yelled and immediately tumbled away from the sunlight. He desperatedly tried putting out the fire with a blanket.

Buffy, obviously awake after all the commotion, was pointing and laughing at him.

He glared up at her. "Bugger, Slayer. I could be a soddin' pile of dust right now."

"You burned my sheets!" she suddenlyshrieked.

"What?" Spike stood up, avoiding the sunlight.

Buffy pointed to the burnt black spot on her bedspread. "Those were brand new sheets! You burned them! Oh you're so paying for this."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "I could be dead right now, and you're worried about your sheets?"

She laughed and kissed him lightly on the lips. "First of all, you're already dead. Second, you're still paying for the sheets…"

Spike murmured into her mouth and put his arms around her. "You're bloody amazing, you know that?" She laughed and gave him a passionate kiss.

Just then the doorbell rang. The two of them pulled apart. "Who would that be?" Buffy wondered. Both of them ran down the stairs. Buffy opened the door, careful not to let the sunlight hurt Spike.

"Willow?"

"Hey," Willow greeted her. She stepped inside. "How are you?"

Buffy closed the door behind her. "Pretty good. Not exactly peaches and cream. But I'm good."

Just then Willow noticed Spike was there as well. And he was topless. She glanced over at Buffy and realized she wasn't wearing much either. Just a tank top and pajama pants. Buffy and Spike seemed to realize this at the same time.

"Oh we were just…" Buffy started. "Um well he was um…"

"Exercising," Spike finished.

"Exercising? Half naked?"

The vamp shrugged. "It's a thing."

"Uh huh. And what, were you just exercising with him?"

Buffy laughed nervously. "Yeah. It's an aerobics thing. I mean hey we both have supernatural powers and well what the heck why not do some fun exercises in the morning? Yep so Spike and I were just um… we were…"

"You were sleeping together?" Willow supplied.

"No!" Buffy immediately said. "I mean, yeah. But not THAT kind of sleeping together. Just… sleeping. Together."

Willow grinned. "Uh huh. So… you really think this is the right way to go?"

Buffy shrugged. "Not really sure yet."

Spike looked from one girl to the other and a confused look fell on his face. "Wait, does Red know about…"

"Yeah I know."

Buffy was blushing furiously by now. "So Willow," she tried to say casually. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just visiting. Didn't think I'd be seeing, um, Spike here." Willow couldn't help smiling. Okay, so Spike was an evil vampire. But it was always fun to gush about guys with Buffy. She just wanted her best friend to be happy. And the way Spike looked at Buffy, maybe he was really in love with her.

Okay, soWillow was lying to herself. Truthfully, Buffy being with Spike freaked her out to death. Spike had tried to kill them so many times. And just because he had a chip in his head didn't make him a good vampire. But she really hadn't seen Buffy this happy since her mother had died…

"Anyway," Willow continued, interrupting her own thoughts. "Since you two seem to be erm… busy, I'll just slip out and let you continue whatever it was you were doing." Willow smiled brightly, trying to keep bad images out of her head.

"We weren't doing anything!" Buffy exclaimed as Willow opened the door.

"Uh huh," Willow replied with a small smile. "Sure." Then she closed the door and everything was quiet. Then the door opened again and Willow popped her head in. "Have fun exercising," she said brightly. Then she closed the door again.

"Red's gone…" Spike whispered in her ear, a seductive smile on his lips. He ran his tongue across her lower lip and she whimpered in reply. "Now," he said softly. "About what you said last night…"

Buffy's superiority came back. She gently pushed him away and crossed her arms. "What about it?"

"You meant it?"

Buffy let out a sigh. "I said I was falling. Key word here: 'falling'."

"No, pet. I think the key words are 'in love'," Spike replied, still with that sexy smile on his face that Buffy knew she wouldn't be able to resist in the end.

"Well," she said, trying to keep her cool and be as resistant as possible. "I might have been delirious," she said half jokingly.

He rolled his eyes. "Oh bollocks. We can't do this forever, you know. You're going to have to admit that you—"

Buffy moved closer to him, wrapped a leg around him and gave him a gentle kiss. She pulled away to gaze into his blue eyes. "I'm still in the process okay? I'm in the 'falling' process. Do I have to say it a million times?"

"So… you're gonna get there?"

She giggled. "I don't know. I guess we'll have to wait."

"I love you so much."

"I know," she whispered. And for some reason, she felt a painful tug at her heart.

* * *

Feedback please :)


	21. Q & A

**Chapter Twenty One  
Q & A**

"You never thought about it before?" Buffy asked Spike.

"No."

"Nuh uh! You're lying."

Spike sighed and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I've never thought about having sex with anyone but you."

"Oh please! You're a _vampire_. The only thing vampires think about is sex. And well, killing people. But you can't kill people. So that just proves you only think about sex."

"Okay. Fine. But only with you, sweetheart."

Buffy tried to keep an angry face, but her lips broke into a smile.

"There we go. Knew you had to give in sometime," he said, running his thumb down her cheek.

"So you promise you won't go all horny for some skank?"

"Shame on you, Buffy. You're the only one I will ever want. You should know that by now."

Buffy gazed at him for a moment, absorbing those sweet words.

"And vamps? Not my thing anymore," he added.

Buffy frowned. "Anymore? So you're saying you used to have a thing for vampires?"

"Duh. Drusilla. You have some wonky memory there, Buff?"

She rolled his eyes. "No. I'm just…"

"Jealous."

"A little," she admitted. Then she took a deep breath and kicked the door of the Bronze down. The scene before her was a crowd of helpless people being held captive by many female vampires.

"Since when do you care about me being horny, anyway?" Spike asked her with a glint in his eyes.

"Can we talk after we kill the bad vampire gang?"

"Fine. But you're answering my questions with complete truth, Slayer."

* * *

Buffy picked up her ax and headed over to Spike, who had been thrown against the wall. The entire vampire gang had been defeated, and all the people in the Bronze had gone home.

"You okay?" she asked him.

He pulled himself up and dusted off his leather jacket. "Yeah. Glad we killed the lot of them. Bloody annoying."

"You know them?"

"Yeah. We had a thing back then."

Buffy's eyes widened. "A thing?"

Spike chuckled. He could almost hear a dot of worry in her voice. "An ally thing. Don't worry. No sexual relations. Which brings me back to my question. Why do you care so much now?"

Buffy pouted. "You know the answer to that question. Stop asking me on purpose."

"I want to hear it from you."

"Okay, when we get home."

Spike growled.

Buffy threw him a look. "Be patient. You might get a reward," she said with a wink.

* * *

Buffy was now snuggled up against Spike in her bed. She closed her eyes, letting herself feel the comfort of being happy with someone. Part of her still couldn't get over the fact that Spike was that someone.

"Do you like me?" Spike suddenly asked.

"What? Of course I like you."

"You sure about that?"

"Geez, Spike. If I didn't like you, why the hell would I be here with you now?"

"Because you like the way I make you feel…"

Buffy fell silent. She sat up and touched his face. "That's not true. I like you. You're not that bad when you're not trying to kill me. And you make me laugh."

"How do I make you feel?"

"Happy," Buffy replied almost immediately. A sudden look of fear appeared in her eyes. She realized how vulnerable she was in front of Spike. And she realized that he was the cause of her vulnerability. "Okay," she said quickly. "My turn to ask questions."

He shrugged. "Got nothing to hide, love."

"How many people have you killed?"

"What? That's not a fair question!"

"Of course it is. I want to know. How many people?"

"I don't know!"

"Yes you do. I know you vampires have this thing where you just know. You probably know the exact number, don't you?"

Spike realized she was serious. "Angel's killed a lot more, you know."

"Yes I do."

"I'm not telling you, Buffy."

"Okay. Tell me this. Did you love Harmony?"

"What?"

Buffy giggled. "I'm serious. Did you love her?"

"Hell no! That woman drove me to the edge of the stake. Couldn't stand her. What kind of questions are you asking? Seriously. I think you're completely off your bird."

"Sorry… I'm just curious."

"Whatever you say, pet. My turn now."

She nodded and laid her head against his shoulder.

"How many times have you had sex with Riley?"

She immediately sat back up and stared at him with a horrified look on her face. "I told you the only thing on your mind is sex! What kind of perverted question is that?"

"Hey it's fair. You wanted to know how many people I've killed. I want to know how many times you've shagged Captain Cardboard."

"Oh please. You're disgusting."

Spike grinned. "I don't see you running away."

Buffy pulled him closer to her and settled down in his arms to sleep. "No," she said softly. "Never running away." She looked up at him with a content smile. "Have I ever told Willow how glad I am that she did that spell?"

Spike showed mild surprise. "Dunno, pet," he said, stroking her hair. "Have you?"

"I guess I should."

"That really true? What you said?"

Buffy closed her eyes. "Sort of. I mean, you do make me feel really nice…"

It was silent for a moment, the two of them just listening to the stillness of night. Buffy knew that far away, vampires were awakening from their graves and monsters were coming out to play. But none of that bothered her right now, even though there was a voice in the back of her mind scolding her for her actions. She knew she should be out there, fighting and doing her Slayer duties. But she just wanted to be a normal girl for once. Okay, a normal girl with her somewhat evil chip-in-head vampire boyfriend.

"Do you trust me?" Spike whispered in her ear.

"Sometimes?"

"I'm evil."

"Oh yeah."

"That was sarcasm."

Buffy giggled. "Okay. Yeah. The chip kind of makes you less evil."

He let out a soft growl. "Don't remind me."

She turned over to him and ran her fingers through his soft hair. "Does it hurt?"

He rolled his eyes. "No, Slayer. The searing pain, the blinding torment, the bleeding suffering in my head never hurts."

"Well that's just when you hurt people."

"Right. Just because I'm evil, I have to be punished if I slap a human."

"It makes sense... from a human viewpoint. Besides, you do want to be good, don't you? You love me… don't you?" she said, smiling sweetly.

"It's inhumane, that's what it is," Spike replied. "I do love you, Buffy. But you know the chip isn't what made me love you."

Of course she knew that. Had she thought the chip was what made Spike want her, she'd never start this crazy relationship with him.

Oh. Wait. Did this mean that if Spike didn't have the chip, he would still be this way? After all, he was right. The chip _was_ cruel. No one deserved to be trapped like that, an animal forced to live in a cage. Helpless. Even if he was undead, he didn't deserve to be less than what he should be.

"Do you love me?" she asked again.

"Course, Buffy."

"Will you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Promise me you won't stop loving me."

"Buffy you know I could never stop—"

"Promise," she said firmly.

"I promise," he said sincerely. Then a seductive smile stretched on his lips. "Do I get anything in return?"

"Listen, I'm going to go out for a while," she said, getting up from the bed. She started to get dressed. "Don't leave, okay? I promise I'll be back."

Spike pouted. "Just gonna leave me here? All alone and cooped up? A man's got his itches, love. We tend to get rowdy and impatient."

"It'll be worth the wait." She pulled on a pair of boots.

Spike gazed at her for a moment, and then a shocked look fell on his face. He stood up and placed his hands on her shoulders. "You aren't going to—"

"Yes I am."

"Buffy you can't."

"Why? You want it."

"No. I mean, hell yeah I do. But—"

"Spike," she said, putting a finger to his lips. "I trust you."

"Buffy—"

She stood on her tiptoes and gave him a kiss. "It might hurt for a moment. Hold on, okay?" With that, she left the room.

Spike just stared after her, not believing what was happening. Before they were mortal enemies, each one trying to gut the other. Now she trusted him, she actually cared enough to…

Suddenly she ran back into the room and gave him another kiss. "I love you," she whispered.

Even more shocked, Spike stared after his beautiful Slayer, feeling like he was in heaven.

* * *

Buffy knocked on the door to Willow's dorm, her heart pounding. "Willow? Are you there?"

The door opened, and a concerned Willow faced her. "Something wrong?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

Willow shrugged. "Sure."

"Is there any way to remove Spike's chip?"

* * *

yay! i finally updated! wow... i'm really not too great at updating am i? did you like the chapter? too fluffy? any complaints? please keep it nice but...review please!


	22. Crash and Burn

**Chapter Twenty Two  
Crash and Burn**

Willow looked threw her books one more time. "I found it!" she suddenly exclaimed.

Buffy immediately lifted her head from the desk she had fallen asleep. "Don't hurt the kittens!"

Willow raised her eyebrows. "Kittens?"

"Sorry. Weird dream. Did you say you found something?"

Willow handed her a book. "I found this spell. It's supposed to separate any human experimentation from the supernatural. It should make him normal again."

"Huh. Sounds like the spell was meant to undo what the Initiative did. Isn't that freaky?"

"Well there's a spell for anything, you know. I myself once conjured up an invisible body to—" Willow blushed. "Nothing. This was after Oz left, okay? I was lonely and miserable."

"Ooh, Will. Are there more naughty things you've been hiding?"

"No! It wasn't like that. It was just— okay can we get off this subject and back to about removing Spike's chip? Buffy, are you sure you want to do that?"

"Positive. Never been more sure."

"Spike's a vampire."

"So?"

Willow sighed. "So he has an evil nature. You can't trust him—"

"I trust him," Buffy said in a firm voice.

"Okay I can see what's happening here. You're going to get the way you get when you're stubborn about something, and there's nothing any of us can do about it. So…" she let out a sigh. "I'll help you do it."

Buffy squealed and jumped up to give Willow a huge hug.

"But only because I love you, Buffy. And I trust your judgment. And if you trust Spike, then I trust that you trust yourself to trust Spike." Willow shook her head. "Okay, that didn't make sense. Anyway, I guess we should get started."

"Okay." Buffy moved to sit on the other bed when she realized someone else's stuff was on it. "Hey Will, is someone else living here?"

"Yeah. Tara, remember?"

"Oh. Really." Buffy paused. "Did I sound kind of jealous then? Because I'm not."

"Tara's my girlfriend," Willow said in a very soft voice.

"Really? Cool." Buffy's eyes widened. "She's what? You mean like friend type girlfriend, right? Not—" Buffy fell silent when she understood Willow's eyes. "Oh. Well that's… that's great, Will. I'm glad you found someone you really like."

"Love," Willow replied, a smile on her face. "I really love her."

Buffy smiled back. "That's good. I mean hell I'm dating a vampire."

"So we're both kind of weird."

"Yeah. I'm glad you told me Willow."

The redhead seemed to be breathing easier. "Trust me, I'm glad too. I've been keeping that a secret for so long."

"I know how it feels," Buffy said sympathetically. "I know exactly."

* * *

"Ready?" Buffy asked.

"Ready," Willow replied. "You do have something of Spike's, don't you?"

"Um…" Buffy smiled sheepishly and pulled a pair of handcuffs from her jacket. She placed it on the floor.

"I don't ever want to know," Willow said plainly. In the center of the ritual material there was an orb of Scearth, as Willow called it. Around that were scented candles, incense, and scattered sage. Willow put her hands over the orb of Scearth and started to chant, "Spirits of the world. I ask you to release the binds that have troubled him. Separate the quantities of man and demon. Destroy the metal, restore the truth. Spirits—" The orb started to glow. "Release him! Bring him back to what he once was, and what he should be."

A fierce wind blew about Willow. The smell of incense grew stronger, and the candles lit up in flames. "Spirits, hear my command. Release him!" Suddenly the orb shattered into pieces, and a piece flew into Willow's face. She screamed as blood trickled down her cheek. Then she fell on the floor, unconscious.

"Willow? Willow!"

All of a sudden, Willow immediately sat up. The blood was gone, and the piece had fallen into the palm of her hand. "It's out," she whispered. She lifted her palm to show a tiny piece of metal.

"Wow…" breathed Buffy, taking the chip. "That was… intense."

"Yeah, ya think?"

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked.

"Yep. Hurt for a sec but then it got better. And I'm all unharmed."

"Good."

"So…" Willow said, standing up, brushing herself off. "Spike can kill now."

"I guess."

"Well, again, your judgment. Let's just hope he doesn't start… feeding."

In the back of her mind, she was starting to worry. What if Spike started feeding again? He _was_ evil. And just because he said he loved her didn't mean he was really ready to give up his true self. He'd probably been craving blood for so long… and the temptation had to be unbearable. Buffy shook her head. No, she'd gotten to know Spike. He did love her. And she… she almost loved him. Or maybe she did love him but was just not strong enough to admit it.

No. He's a vampire. Can't love him. Which goes back to the theory that he could be killing right this minute.

_Buffy, you're an idiot. Make up your mind. Was this a good idea or not? And do you love him or not? It's either yes or no, take your freakin' pick!_

"I'm going to go back home," Buffy said quickly. "Spike."

"Okay. See you then."

Buffy was about to run out the door when she turned back to Willow and gave her a huge hug. "Thank you. I'll always love you."

Willow smiled. "Same here. I mean, I'll always love you too."

Buffy nodded and then left in a hurry.

* * *

Spike felt dizzy. And confused. He didn't know where he was. Something had whacked him around like a rubber ball. He had fallen down the stairs and out the front door to the lawn. And his head had hurt like hell until suddenly the pain was lifted.

And the want to feed on a human had never been so strong. No… he thought to himself. Have to fight it.

_Why? Why are you trying so hard to fight it? You want it. You crave it. You lust for it. You've been lifted from your cage… use this freedom to feed on blood. Sweet, hot, delicious blood._

But Buffy wouldn't want that. It would destroy any chance of Buffy loving him.

_You don't need her love. All you need is her blood. You remember the sweet taste of Slayer in your mouth. The power, the richness… that sweet, sweet blood… _

He leaned against the tree, breathing heavily, not realizing he didn't need to breathe.

It was a duel. A duel between the demon and the man. _Wait what man? You should be pure demon._ No. Because he created a soul for himself when he fell in love with Buffy. He created something _human_ inside of him. He loved her… he cared about her more than anything in the world. He loved her, wanted her, needed her, treasured her…

_Blood._

God it was so close. He could smell it. That sweet scent of Buffy.

"Spike? Hey."

Spike turned around and immediately vamped into his vampire features.

Buffy flinched a little. "It's okay. You're going to be fine. Willow got the chip out, obviously, and I think it worked." she said. "I think you'll—"

He grabbed her and sank his fangs into her smooth skin. There wasn't any time to think thoughts. Buffy gasped as she fell to the ground with Spike on top of her. Her eyes widened in shock. She could feel him, sucking her neck, feeding on her blood. To her surprise, she found herself pulling him closer to her and grabbing onto his back for support. She wrapped her legs around him and ran a hand through his platinum blonde hair. Her vision started to blur in front of her. The ground was spinning underneath. She had absolutely no power, no will of her own. She couldn't move beneath him, couldn't make him stop, couldn't push him off of her. She closed her eyes, tears running down her face. Finally she screamed out, kicking him as hard as she could. He flew into the hard brick of the house.

Slowly getting up, Spike stared at Buffy's unconscious body lying a few feet away. "Oh god…" he said aloud, morphing back into his human face. "Buffy. Buffy?" He ran over to her. He lifted her hand and touched her face. "Please don't..."

* * *

"How is she?" Giles asked the doctor.

"She's fine," the doctor replied. "She lost a major amount of blood, but she's going to be all right. She heals at an unbelievable rate. I think you'll be able to see her later today."

"Thank the Lord," Giles sighed. He walked over to the waiting area where Xander and Willow were sitting.

"Is she going to be okay?" Xander asked.

"Buffy's strong," Willow said, but there was a look of doubt and uneasiness on her face. "She's dealt with this before. She's going to be okay. She _is_ going to be okay, right?" she asked Giles, a worried look on her face.

"Yes. She will," Giles replied.

"Good," Willow said softly. "That's good."

It was silent for what seemed like a very long time.

"How could this happen?" Giles said in a shaky voice full of anger. "How could Spike…"

"I can't believe he brought her here," Xander said, shaking his head. "I thought the guy hated her. I guess he just wanted to save her so he could kill her himself. Once he gets that chip out—"

"_SPIKE_ BIT HER, DAMN IT YOU IDIOT!" Giles yelled. The other people in the hospital all turned to look.

Xander gaped at him. "What?"

"Willow, you of all people." The shaky, angered voice had returned. It scared all of them to see him like this. "How could you remove the chip?"

"I-I didn't. I thought that… wait, Giles. How do you know?"

"Spike told me. He's the one that phoned me and told me he'd bitten her. And that she was in the hospital in a critical condition. He told me everything."

Willow had a confused look on her face. "He told you? He just called you over the phone and told you?"

"Wait, you took the chip out of his head?" Xander said unbelievably. "Damn Will. I thought you were smart."

"This is serious, children!" Giles again yelled at him. "Buffy was on the verge of dying. He could've killed her or even turned her. This is no bloody time to crack jokes."

Silence.

"It was her choice," Willow spoke up. "She trusted him—"

"Hold up," Xander interrupted. "Buffy trusted _Spike_? Since when did this happen?"

"Um since… well you know," Willow said, looking up at Giles.

But Giles looked as confused as Xander. "What are you talking about?"

"Since you know, they've been together."

Both Xander and Giles had beyond shocked looks on their faces.

"Y-you didn't know?" Willow said, laughing nervously. "I thought you said Spike told you everything."

"Well he obviously left that part out," Giles muttered, taking off his glasses and giving them a furious clean with his handkerchief.

"I'm confused," Xander announced.

"But he actually took her to the hospital," Willow said. "And he didn't kill her."

"He almost did," said a voice.

Giles, Willow, and Xander turned to see Buffy standing before them fully dressed in her own clothes. She was holding the hospital robes in her arms. Giles was the first to embrace her. Then Xander and Willow joined in a big group hug.

"You're all right?" Giles asked.

"A little woozy, but other than that I'm good."

"Spike—" Xander started, but Buffy held up a hand.

"Can we not talk about that right now?" she said calmly. "I just… I can't talk about it. Not now. I'm still recovering."

"Then you should get back to bed," Willow said.

"No. There's something I have to do."

"Buffy you can't possibly think about going to see—"

"I have to," she whispered. "I have to see him."

* * *

The sun had set, but it wasn't completely dark outside. Buffy could see her vampire lover leaning against the tree in front of her house. He'd probably been waiting for her.

She inhaled. She knew what she had to do.

"Hey," she said, giving him a weak smile.

"Are you all right?" he said back and stepped closer to her.

She backed away. "I'm fine. Slayers come with healing powers, so I'm getting better," she replied, not looking at him.

"Buffy, I'm so—"

"Don't say it. What you did, I can't forgive you for that."

"I know."

"But I don't blame you. I was the one who wanted the chip out, and it's my fault."

"No it's not."

"It is," she said softly. "I was reckless and stupid, and wanting so much to be in love with you to remember my common sense."

Spike stared at her, and she finally looked up into his eyes.

"I thought it would prove something. Or I don't know. I thought it was the right thing to do. You were like an animal trapped in a cage. And I thought somehow if I released you maybe you and I… I don't know. I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

"Buffy—"

"I had to tell you something. And I had to do it now before my mind changes." There was an uncomfortable silence between them and Buffy finally said in a sad, choked voice. "I can't be with you."

Spike didn't say anything. He couldn't. More than anything, he hated himself for doing what he did.

"I can't be with you," she said again, her heart aching more than she thought it was capable of aching. This was different than when she killed Angel, or when he left her. It was different than being hurt. It was different than anything she'd ever felt before. She never knew she could feel this much pain. Each word was like a knife stabbing into her heart. She tried not to look at his face, which was filled with confusion and realization.

He knew she was serious. "Buffy," he managed to say.

Buffy took a deep breath. "I know that you're a monster and it's your true nature. And what you did to me, I know that you couldn't help yourself. I'm not angry at you for that. In fact, it's not the reason. But it did open my eyes," she said in a soft voice, gazing up at him. "Spike, being with you... I've never felt anything like it. I do want you, so much that it's killing me. When I'm not with you, it's like the world falls away. I don't know why, and I can't explain it. But I've never wanted someone so much in the way I want you." Tears started filling her eyes. This was harder than she thought it would be.

"Then why—"

"Because I can't. Because I won't," she said in a definite voice. "You bit me. And I let you. I could've stopped you, but I didn't."

"Buffy," Spike said in a gentle, sincere tone. He placed a hand on her face, and she closed her eyes. When she opened them, she was staring into his blue ones. What he said next was full of meaning and truth. "I love you." Her tears spilt. Those three words meant so much... but she couldn't love him back. She wanted to break down and cry in his arms. He was the comfort that she always found when things went bad for her. He was the light when she found herself surrounded in dark. He was her everything. And she was about to let him go.

"I don't," she finally said through her tears.

His hand dropped to his side.

"I don't love you. I can't love you." Buffy said. Another tear slipped out. He looked back up. "I'm sorry," she continued in the same softness and sadness. "But I have to say goodbye. People will get hurt, including you and me. And I will never forgive myself if I continue to hurt you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

With that, she turned away from him. She hesitated for a moment, just wanting to feel his nearness to her. Then she walked away, not knowing that she was leaving her heart behind.

* * *

Wow. Intense chapter. I took a long time tothink this out and write it.So in return, please review? Please please?Nice, long ones? Tell me what you think? Don't worry, the Spuffy's not going to end here! The Spuffy will NEVER end. They WILL have a happy ending because I can't leave a story with a bad ending.

And as always, don't hesitate to check out my website. LOL. I'm obsessed.


	23. Pains

**Chapter Twenty Three  
****Pains**

One week. One whole week without a single encounter with Spike. That was… progress. It was so hard though. She wanted him so much, and not seeing him made her feel like she was dying inside. But still, she couldn't bear to be with him anymore. She knew what he really was, and it had settled into her mind. On top of that she couldn't hurt him any longer. All this time she'd been lying to herself. She didn't really love him, and she never would.

Well that's what the "logical" Buffy was thinking. In truth, her heart was wild for him. But no… dumb Buffy didn't realize this yet. Yet.

Buffy opened the refrigerator to get a sandwich to eat. She knew she had saved on in here somewhere. She reached in the back and pulled out a jar of blood. She stared at it for a long time, and then a flash of memory of Spike biting her came flooding back. His teeth sinking into her skin, her life being drained away from here… she blinked and stared down at the jar. She put it back in the fridge. Maybe he's out there now, sucking blood out of some girl…

She closed the refrigerator, feeling not very hungry anymore.

_Maybe a patrol will help. Just not in… Spike's neighborhood._

Buffy walked along the local cemetery, scanning for any vampires to kill. _Desperately_ scanning. She had to have something to pummel. Or else the only thing that would fill her mind was thoughts of Spike.

Just her luck, a hand shoved through the ground. She stood by the grave and crossed her arms. "Hurry up," she whined.

The vampire climbed through and gave her a look. "Could be a little more patient. But hey, as long as I get something to eat—" he lunged at her but she kicked him away. The vampire glared at her. "You crazy woman?"

"I'm the thing called the 'Slayer'. You're a newbie, so you'll just have to learn." The two of them started fighting. "See I'm the Chosen One. She who gets to slay vampires. Only then she starts falling for vampires—" she punched him hard in the face and he punched her back "— but they always end up biting her and almost sucking her dry—"

"Really?" the vamp asked.

"Really," she replied.

"That's screwed up."

"Tell me about it," Buffy sighed.

"So… I'm guessing it's the vamp that kills her in the end," the vampire said with a grin on his face.

She stared at him just long enough so he wouldn't attack her, and then she pinned him to the ground. "That's where you're wrong. In the end the Slayer always wins." She wrapped her fingers tightly around the stake and plunged it into the freshly born vamp's heart. She stood up and stared at the pile of dust on the floor.

"Having fun, love?"

The voice caused so many different feelings inside of her. She slowly turned to face Spike for the first time since she told him goodbye.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hey."

"How are you?"

He shrugged and looked at anywhere but Buffy. "I'm good."

"Good. That's good."

"And you?" he asked, face full of concern.

"I'm fine. In fact I'm better than fine."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "Uh huh."

"What? Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You're not happy."

Buffy stared at him, wondering how he could read her heart like that. "And how do you know that? You just look at me with those… those eyes and… and just know?"

He shrugged. "Something like that."

She scoffed. "Whatever."

"Well I see you've got your quips. At least one of us is heading towards normality."

She gave him a confused look. "What's that supposed to mean?'

"Nothing." Spike saw how the Slayer was looking worried about him. And it gave him the slightest hope that she still cared, and maybe… just maybe… god Spike. Just stop thinking about it. "I'm fine. No need of your concern."

"Living off the human blood must be nice, huh?"

"Hey!" Spike said sharply. "I haven't fed off a single bloody human."

"No pun intended?" Buffy said lightly.

"You know I couldn't. After falling in love with you—"

Buffy decided to ignore his words. "It's kind of hard to believe that. I mean after that boost, I'm sure you'd be craving."

"What? You just assume that?"

Buffy sighed heavily. "No. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to… I just… it slipped out. I'm sorry."

"No you're not. You're pissed."

"I'm not! I mean, yeah, I'm hurt. Duh. Do you not see the look of hurt written all over my face? Even you said it yourself. I'm not happy. But it's not your fault."

"Pet, I bit you. It's all my fault."

She shook her head. "No, it's… look, can we not talk about that? I'm not supposed to be seeing you anymore. And if you talk to me, it only makes it harder." She started to walk away from him, but then stopped after a few steps. She turned around, her eyes glazed over with tears. "I miss you," she said softly. The temptation to run into his arms was so hard… she didn't know how she could be strong enough to fight it.

Spike didn't know what to do. He couldn't comfort her, he couldn't touch her. "Then why can't you—"

"Spike you know the answer to that."

"Buffy, I'm sorry."

"Please don't say that," she said, trying hard not to let the tears spill. If she cried, it would just prove that she was weak. And it was not what she needed. She had to be strong about this. "It hurts. It's Angel all over again." Before Spike could reply she immediately said, "And don't get all jealous and offensive about Angel. I'm just saying… it hurts a lot."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Tell me you hate me."

Spike stared at her long and hard. "I could never—" he sighed. "Buffy…"

"I know you have it in you," she said in a daring voice. "Come on. Give me all you got. It's what you want. Kick my ass."

Spike gritted his teeth. "You know I can't."

"Oh come on! Give me a good kick, a punch, anything! Just do it!" she screamed at him. "Please!"

Spike stared at his Buffy, almost knowing exactly what she was thinking. She was afraid to love him. It all came down to simply that. But she was still his Buffy. She would always be his… he could never stop loving her no matter what she said. And he knew… he knew at that moment she loved him just as much. All of this last week, she had just tried lying to herself, telling herself she couldn't love him because he was a monster. He bit her, and it scared her. It scared her that she was falling in love with him.

"Just… please…" tears started flowing down her pained face.

And now… Spike continued to think, she was finally realizing she couldn't hide from him anymore. They had something, something deep, and there was no way she could hide from it. She knew exactly what he was, and she still loved him.

She could feel him coming close to her. "Please don't love me. If you do, I can't help falling in love with you too," she whispered through her tears. She felt his hands on her face. "You bit me and I still couldn't get you out of my mind. Please…" His cool lips kissing hers… the rest of her words became unforgotten. She tried pulling away, tried pushing away, tried kicking him away from her, but his firm grip held her still.

Tired, weak, ready to surrender, Buffy gave in and kissed him back.

_Slayer didn't win that time..._

* * *

Haha one chapter they break up and the next they're together… well, sort of? I guess you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out what happens… But that was angsty. So very angsty. Wow. And this little bit at the end is veryyy similar to a chapter I wrote a while before. Gold stars if anyone can answer… haha jk.

Reviews? Please? And can you tell me if that chappy was confusing? Cause I hope it wasn't confusing… And as always, don't hesitate to check out my website :D.


	24. Conclusions

**Chapter Twenty Four  
Conclusions**

Buffy and Spike were sitting on opposite ends of her living room couch. It was beyond awkward. Buffy stared at the blank TV screen, and Spike stared at the floor.

"So," Buffy started.

"Yeah," Spike replied.

Awkward silence once more.

Ughh why was this so hard?

Recap. She had been secretly sleeping with him and almost fell in love with him which lead her to the completely ridiculous idea of removing his chip which wait, no, that wasn't completely ridiculous. After all, it was completely inhumane and unfair of Spike to have that chip in his head even being what he was. It just wasn't right. So that lead to rash actions and certain vampire rousings which caused Spike, who she thought had actually loved her, to bite her and almost kill her. And that caused her to have this incredibly sad break up with him but then after one moment just ONE single moment of seeing him again, she spilled out everything and let him kiss her again.

Things were so much easier when she could just beat him up and make sexual innuendos.

"Yeah," Buffy muttered.

"Don't go blaming me, sweetheart. You deserved that."

Buffy stood up and faced him with her arms crossed. "Okay first of all, what do you mean 'blame'. Exactly what am I 'blaming' you for? Second, what did I deserve? You… kissing me? Or you sucking my blood? And third, don't call me sweetheart! It makes me feel… ooky."

Spike smirked up at her. "In a good way?"

"Yes," she replied without thinking. "I mean no."

"I love hearing the doubt in your voice, love."

Buffy fumed. "Shut up you stupid blonde idiot."

"Look who's talking?"

"Hey! I'm not an idiot. Blonde, yes. But—"

"Oh give it a rest, will you?" he said, standing up. Buffy felt her stomach turn… but in that good kind of way when Spike was giving her all sorts of crazy feelings. "You're a bloody emotion roller coaster! I swear, Summers. What the hell is screwed up with you? Your heart's got just that thumping buggered-up holier-than-thou attitude that can really get a fellow pissed off!"

"Piss you off? You're the one who BIT me, vampire freak! You think I'd be a little pissed off!"

"Well I wouldn't have DONE it if you hadn't been forcing into my head a load of bollocks!"

"Me? You're the one who freakin' hit on me that night in my dorm!"

"Well I wouldn't have if it weren't for that damn spell!"

"IT'S NOT THE SPELL! IT'S US!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

"I DON'T KNOW. STOP SCREAMING!"

"YOU STARTED IT!"

Buffy groaned. "FINE! I'LL STOP IF YOU STOP!"

"Fine."

She sighed and buried her face in her hands. "I don't know. I'm so confused. Do you think it was just that? The spell? Because if it was… then all of this… you and me… it was never real."

Spike moved closer to her, but was careful not to move too close. After all he was chipless now, and she probably didn't trust him. But then again she DID let him kiss her…

"Buffy," he said gently. "Do you want it to be real?"

"Yes… no… I don't know. I'm confused," she said, pouting.

"Love is always confusing. But the deeper you dig into confusion, the more screwed up it gets. Sometimes you have to forget about the facts, and you just have to understand what direction your blood is flowing in."

"No blood analogies please?" Buffy pleaded softly.

"Fine… what way you heart is pointing towards. You bloody humans over think too much. See we vamps just go for what feels best. We don't think, we act on the first thing that comes naturally to us. Because over thinking cooks your brain, and then everything becomes lost to you. Simplicity is a virtue, Buffy. The art of being simple is what makes life easier. Or unlife, I guess."

Buffy gazed at him. "That was really kind of beautiful."

"Well, I practiced."

"Really? You're kidding, right? Spike the Big Bad had to practice a little speech for his Buffy?"

"His Buffy," Spike said, his smirk returning to his lips. "Liking the sound of that."

Buffy blushed. "I didn't mean that."

"You know you did."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Shut up, Spike."

"You're mine, Buffy."

"Am not!"

"Stop lying to yourself."

"Contemplate getting over yourself!"

"Oh come on Summers. I'm hot and you know it. You're just dying to get your hands on me."

"Yeah, _dying_ being the key word here."

Spike sighed heavily. "Are you still pissed at me biting you? Because you know, you know exactly what I am and you took the chip out. It wasn't like I even asked you to! You just did it, the way you do things in that 'I'm always right' way. And you're alive, damn it. Stop complaining."

"That's where you're wrong, Spike," she said softly. "You only think about today. But I think about what could be. And if this turns into something…"

"It's already turned into something! I mean come on. We've already 'consummated' our relationship like 3 million times."

"Oh no. Much, much less than that. And just because we did that doesn't mean our relationship is 'consummated'. In fact it doesn't even mean we HAVE a relationship. In fact we DON'T have a relationship. I told you this was over a lonngg time ago and still you hang around here like dumb idiot."

"Dumb idiot," Spike said, mocking a gasp. "You sting me with your harsh words, Slayer."

"Shut up."

"You know if you hate me as much as you claim, why haven't you thrown me out already?"

"Because!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Because…" Spike raised his eyebrows.

"I'm scared," she finally said.

"Scared. You're the Slayer. You can't be scared."

"I am. You have this power over me. A part of me can't fight you when I'm around you, and I'm scared that if I try and make you leave, I won't be able to." Her eyes widened. She turned away from him and buried her face in her hands. "I can't believe I just told you that."

Spike gazed at her and then reached out and touched her shoulder. "I love you, Buffy."

"Why?"

"What—"

"You've always hated me. And I've always hated you."

"Well that spell—"

"So it was all the spell then?" Buffy said, sniffling. "If it weren't for that stupid spell of Willow's, we'd never be like this? Is that what you're saying? That you don't really love me?"

"WHAT THE… what do you want from me?"

"I don't know," Buffy sighed. "I just don't know." She went back to sit on the couch.

"Well, you know where I'll be when you figure things out."

Buffy looked up to see Spike walking towards the front door. "And where's that?"

"My crypt. Not the best place to be. It's all dusty because well, I haven't been there for a long time. Until recently, that is."

"Spike…"

"Figure things out," he said with his hand on the doorknob. "I'm sick of listening to you whine."

"Nuh uh. You did NOT just say that. Because now, Spike, I'm going to have to kick your ass."

"Really."

"Oh yeah. It's on. Right here, right now." She stood up, putting up her fists.

Spike laughed. "You're adorable."

"Yeah? Well you think you can take me?"

"Oh I know I can take you."

"Okay then. Let's go."

"I'm not going to though."

"How come?"

"Thinking of conquering you in a different sort of way." He gave her a soft smile.

"Huh? What are you talking—" Suddenly she felt his lips on hers, his embrace wrapped around her, his scent surrounding her. She didn't even think for a moment to fight back. She just kissed him back willingly, hungrily, letting her confusion and worries wash away.

It was simple as that. She needed him, wanted him, craved him, cared about him, _loved_ him.

"Okay," she whispered as she gently broke away from him. "I've come to two conclusions."

"Uh huh…" he said in her ear.

"One, you're right about everything. You're right. Which is something I thought I'd never ever ever say. And two…" she sighed. "I love you, Spike."

He pulled her close and kissed her one more time.

* * *

Oh yeah. One whole chapter of pure Spuffiness. Spuffy kissage :D If you haven't checked it out yet, my website now features a beautiful Spuffy layout :D. And I've got a chatterbox! So if you want, you can drop a few messages there. I'd really love to talk to some of you! Go to my profile for the website link.

Please review! And I've got one more thing to say. This fic will be ending soon… not yet, but soon.


	25. Persistence

**Chapter Twenty Five  
Persistence**

"So on top of the dark lurkies of the night, I now have a professor who hates me, a pile of homework, financial problems, _and_ an apocalypse!" Buffy complained to Spike. She had his arm linked with his as they walked through the dark cemetery.

"Apocalypse? There's an apocalypse?"

"Well you know how there's always one of those around the corner."

"So this professor… you want me to bite him for you?"

Buffy sighed. "No, it's okay. I'll deal."

"You could threaten to beat him up—"

"And then get kicked out of college. Which you know, adds even more sparkle to my ever so wonderful life," she said sarcastically. She stopped walking and looked up at Spike. "But enough of my complaints. How's the unlife treating you?"

Spike shrugged and looked around the cemetery. "Wish there were more nasties out tonight. Be able to let loose a bit." He turned back to Buffy and wrapped his arms around her waist. "But just having you here, it's more satisfying than anything else."

Buffy beamed. "You don't say," she replied, leaning in closer.

Spike grinned. "I love you," he said, pulling her closer to him and kissing her gently.

She pulled her arms around his neck. She let go for the shortest moment to say, "I love you too." But not for long, since it was very hard to stay away him when his lips were on hers.

An annoyed voice behind her groaned, "What _is_ this? Smoochfest 2000?"

Both of them broke apart to see a young male vampire glaring at the two of them.

"Hell Slayer, I could've attacked you already."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Do you mind? We're kind of in the middle of something." She sighed and then pulled out a stake (from one of those invisible pockets she has). "Come on. Let's make it quick."

"You bet!" the vamp said. "I'm going to be the one everyone will be talking about after I kill the Slayer."

"Like I haven't heard this one a million times," Buffy told Spike.

"From me included," he added.

"Yes from you. But you were actually threatening. The first couple times anyway," she said with a wink. "You know you could never hurt me…"

"Really? You wanna test that theory?" Spike said with a glint in his eye. He traced a finger down her arm. "I could hurt you _real_ bad…"

"Will you two stop yapping?" the vamp yelled. "I swear. I thought vampires were supposed to _kill_ Slayers, not make out with them."

"Well you haven't been in my world," Buffy replied.

"Buffy, just kill the guy already," Spike sighed. "He's getting on my bloody nerves."

Buffy turned towards the young vamp. "You heard him," she said with a shrug. "Sorry about this." She held up the stake and flung it hard at the vamp, piercing it right in the heart.

"Bitch!" it yelled as it exploded into dust.

Buffy had a small pout on her face. "Hey. That was mean."

Spike wrapped his arms around her, and she faced him again. "He had no right to call me that," she said.

He grinned. "Oh I don't know. You can be pretty bitchy sometimes."

Buffy's jaw dropped. "No way! You did not just say that! Forget about spending any eency bit of time with me tonight."

"What? Oh come on, you have to admit you can be that way sometimes. It's a part of who you are as the Slayer."

Buffy frowned. "Not helping…"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. You're a right sweet sugarplum who'd never hurt a fly."

"Well you know what I think of you?" she snapped. "You're a dumb peroxided jackass who… who… who's really… stupid. And this is not working out. I have to go."

Spike sighed. "Proving my point…" She started to walk away. "Wait, Buffy!"

Buffy quickly turned around, an angry look on her face. "What?"

"I'm sorry, pet. I was just quipping."

"Well maybe you shouldn't. And maybe we shouldn't…"

"Shouldn't what?"

She hugged herself. "I don't know. This. Whatever we're doing. I mean we just don't fit. We're always fighting. That can't be good for the future."

"You honestly think we have a future?"

Buffy looked down awkwardly on the ground. "I've thought about it."

Even though they were in a middle of a somewhat fight. Spike felt an incredible warmth inside of him. "Really? That's… bloody fabulous." She didn't say anything, so he continued. "You, the woman I have fallen completely in love with, who never proclaimed much love for me until very recently… have thought about us having a real future?"

Buffy blushed. "Maybe."

"Well, see? That just proves that we've got something real here. Something… genuine," he said, moving close to her and breathing in her scent. Layers of beautiful scent he had memorized, right down to the body wash she used in the shower. Spike stared off into the distant for a minute. _Mm. Buffy and shower_.

"I don't know. But don't you think that we fight too much?"

"That's the part of being in a deep…" he kissed her on the forehead. "… passionate relationship."

"You have a point," Buffy said in a breathy voice.

"So we fight," Spike continued. "And we shag. And we love. And it burns and consumes."

"Which is totally the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Okay. If you want to be a nice, safe, boring relationship with some stiff git who can't understand your every need and desire. Go ahead. Leave me here in the dust." He quickly added, "Not literally."

Buffy gave him a small smile. "You think you can cater to my ever need and desire?"

"Hell yeah."

"Prove it, Mr."

Spike immediately wrapped her in a very heated kiss. Buffy let out a whimper. How was it that Spike could understand every inch of her? He gave her so much and at the same time took it away. Her security, her strengths, her weaknesses. He tore them away and the only thing left was herself. Just Buffy. And she liked being Just Buffy sometimes.

She pulled him closer to her, liking the feel of his body against hers. Liking the way she knew he never wanted to let her go. Liking the way he restrained himself from letting out the animal inside of him, and at the same time wanting him to unleash it on her.

"Spike," she whispered.

"Buffy."

"Have you ever had a feeling… I mean a strong feeling… that you were just meant to be with someone? And no matter how hard you fight it, you can't stop it from happening." She sighed and buried her face into his shoulder. "I hate it, you know? I hate you can make me feel so much." She lifted her head and looked up into his eyes. "I hate it how you can make me fall in love with you."

"Uh. So you want me to answer the first question?"

"No," she whispered softly. "I already know the answer."

Buffy closed her eyes and let Spike tighten his hold on her. Was he really the one? This was Spike, William the Bloody, the annoying blonde vampire who loved to watch Passions and get on her last nerve. But somehow…

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you persisted."

Spike looked down at her, both puzzled and amazed. "But I wasn't the only one, love. We did it at the same time."

* * *

Um. Hehe. Hi. 

It's me. If you haven't forgotten. I know I haven't updated this story in quite a few months... or any of my other stories. But I'm slowly getting back on track :D. I've been busy with so many things, including my website collective (yes yes everyone wants Julia to shut up about her damn websites), and now I have a Spuffy archive that hosts all of my stories. So if you want to check my websites out, you can find the link in my profile... don't know why I'm not able to post links here.

Anyway, about this story... I was re-reading the last chapter I wrote and I realized that would have been a really nice ending, as Laura pointed out. But I had already written this chapter, and I thought it was just too cute to go to waste. And so I will probably write a couple more chapters... we'll see :D

Hope you all are still reading... hehe :P

Julia


	26. What If

**Chapter Twenty Six  
What If**

Buffy leaned against the arm of the living room couch, her legs across Spike's lap and her fingers laced with his. He tapped his other hand on her thigh as they sat there in silence.

"I'm bored," Buffy announced.

Spike raised his scarred eyebrow at her. "Okay. You were the one who suggested a night in with me, your big baddie boyfriend who would rather be out... or at least if we have to be home can we do something that takes a little more muscle action—"

"Uh uh!" Buffy shook her head. "I just wanted to see what it would be like if we you know…" she had an innocent look on her face. "Did like normal boyfriend girlfriend stuff."

"Well obviously it doesn't work. I'm a vampire, sweetheart. And a horny one at that. You're killing me here."

Buffy threw him a glare. "Why do you boys always have to be so… hormonal driven?" She stopped, looking puzzled. "Do you even have hormones?"

Spike shrugged and relaxed against the back of the couch. "Whatever, mate. I'll just wait until you're ready."

"I am so not going to… do things with you tonight."

"You just said you were bored."

"So? I'll think of something to do."

Spike snorted. "Right because you're such a brilliant Slayer."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I haven't died yet. It must mean I'm somewhat intelligent."

"Hey, hey," Spike said seriously. "Don't say that."

This time Buffy snorted. "Ha! Like you give a crap."

"I give a darn crap whether you're alive or not. We've been over this several times, okay? And no matter what I'll be there to protect you. I'm not letting anyone or anything lay a finger on you."

Buffy shrugged. "Kind of hard since I'm sort of the Slayer and have to fight beasties on a nightly basis."

"You know what I mean."

Buffy gave him a little grin. "I do know what you mean. And I love you for that."

"You love me? I'm flattered."

"Oh I know!" Buffy suddenly shouted. She sat up straight, pulling her legs away from Spike and sitting in cross-legged fashion. "Let's play the what if game."

"What the hell is that?"

"Well," she said, smiling. "I was just wondering… what if Willow never cast that spell?"

"What spell?"

Buffy slapped him on the shoulder. "Ow!" Spike yelped. "For crying out loud, do you ever not underestimate your strength? I'm only a lowly vampire."

"I have never heard you be so humble," Buffy laughed at him. "You must really like me." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "But yeah," she continued. "The spell, you dumbass. The spell that started it all."

"Oh the umm engagement whatchamacallit spell."

"Duhhh."

"And I have never seen you so… hyper."

Buffy giggled. "Seriously. What if Willow had never cast that spell?"

Spike stared at her for a minute, just studying her features. Tonight she had on a bright smile, she was being completely herself around him. He liked it a lot. Before their relationship was so on and off and dramatic this and that. For an evil undead thing, Spike sure was a sucker for this romantic fluff stuff.

He cleared his throat. "Well for one, I'd still fall in love with you."

"What? Shut up."

"Well okay, maybe not. But…" he gave her his signature grin. "I'd still wanna do you."

"Oh ewww you pig!" She threw a couch pillow at his face. "Can we try and not think about sex every seven seconds?"

"It's kind of hard when I'm around such a sexy, hot, adorable little Slayer."

"Spike… please?" Buffy looked at him with such honesty that he let out a sigh.

"Well what I said was the truth you know," he replied. "I might not have fallen in love with you… but there was always that passionate desire. I know what you want, Buffy. You want love… and I can honestly say I want to give it to you." He looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Is that a good answer?"

Buffy was genuinely touched. She nodded. "Very."

"So…" Spike reached over and grabbed her. She let out a squeal and he wrestled with her squirming body until she gave in and relaxed in his arms. Buffy looked up as Spike bent down to kiss her lips. "Mmm…" she whispered. "What if I'd never went to LA to see Angel?"

Spike groaned loudly and pushed her away. "Bloody… I can't believe you brought that poof into this conversation!"

"No! Don't be mad, I was just thinking… I would never have had closure."

Spike stood up and made waving motions with his arms. "You're in the middle of kissing me and suddenly ANGEL pops into your mind? That idiotic tart of a vampire… I swear!"

"Spike…" Buffy pouted. "It's not like that."

"Oh yeah? What is it like then? What you want to kiss him and touch his stupid gelled up hair and his stupid overhanging brow? Oh I see how it is. He's so much hunkier than Spike. Spike's not hot enough."

"You are plenty hot enough!" Buffy yelled. She stood up too and smacked him with a pillow again. "I'm just saying… I'm glad I finally got closure with Angel, so that I could explore this amazing thing I have with you."

Spike put his hands behind his head and looked up at the ceiling. "Honestly what did I do to deserve such cruel pain and suffering?"

"Spike…" Buffy tried to coax him. "Right before Willow's spell I was really upset about Angel—" Spike winced at the name. "Okay, okay. How about we make a deal?" Buffy suddenly looked very, very mischievous. She slowly edged her way over. "I'll do that thing… that thing you really like… tonight. And we won't mention…" she caught herself before saying Angel's name again. "… his name anymore ever, okay?"

"Well you can say his name occasionally. I like to make fun of him."

Buffy slapped him playfully on the chest. "You are such a weirdo." She laughed and looked up at him as they leaned in for a long kiss.

"Hmm…" Spike murmured softly, playing with her hair. "So… you want to do it tonight?"

"I promise."

"And you'll promise me something else?"

"You name it," Buffy said, kissing his neck.

"That you love me? For real this time?" He wrapped her in a tight hug.

"Spike, that I definitely promise."

THE END

* * *

Hellloooo people!! Wow okay so I haven't updated this story for like what, two years? And I realized that it was basically done last chapter, but I decided just to add this fluffy little chapter at the end to really let my readers (if I have any left) that this story is complete! I know this is so strange saying this like two years later, but it has been such a wonderful trip in writing this story D It was my very first Spuffy fanfic, and basically my first real fanfic, and I loved it very much. I'm going to go back and print it all out and read it tonight! I will also hopefully be updating some of my other stories. I forgot how much I love writing Spuffy... although I haven't watched Buffy for a long time, Buffy is of course still my most favorite show ever!! Hehe. Hope you liked the chapter. I do like comments D

Julia


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